1 00:00:20,803 --> 00:00:22,805 [ music playing ] 2 00:00:22,848 --> 00:00:27,592 [ crickets chirping ] 3 00:00:27,940 --> 00:00:30,291 Don't do that, Tony. 4 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:35,861 Tony, you know I don't like French kissing. 5 00:00:35,905 --> 00:00:37,515 That's dirty. 6 00:00:37,559 --> 00:00:38,995 Sorry, Audrey. 7 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:41,911 No hickeys, Tony. 8 00:00:41,954 --> 00:00:43,478 Jeez. Come on. 9 00:00:43,521 --> 00:00:46,046 Tony, no. Tony. 10 00:00:46,089 --> 00:00:47,917 Come on, Audrey. I just want to touch 'em. 11 00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:49,745 Please? 12 00:00:49,788 --> 00:00:51,703 Okay, just for a little while, 13 00:00:51,747 --> 00:00:53,531 but I'm not going all the way. 14 00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:57,753 All right. 15 00:00:57,796 --> 00:00:59,842 Tony, no. 16 00:00:59,885 --> 00:01:01,800 Please, just let me touch 'em. 17 00:01:01,844 --> 00:01:03,889 Okay, just a little. 18 00:01:03,933 --> 00:01:05,021 [ giggles ] 19 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,892 - Tony. - Audrey. 20 00:01:06,936 --> 00:01:08,242 - That tickles. - Audrey. 21 00:01:08,285 --> 00:01:09,895 Stop. Tony. 22 00:01:09,939 --> 00:01:11,245 You're going to make me pee. 23 00:01:11,288 --> 00:01:13,725 - Pee? - Woman: Tony, hurry. 24 00:01:13,769 --> 00:01:15,901 Oh, Jesus. Hurry. Get dressed. 25 00:01:15,945 --> 00:01:17,425 Let's go. 26 00:01:26,651 --> 00:01:27,957 Tony: Uh... 27 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,219 hi, everybody. 28 00:01:29,263 --> 00:01:32,135 Ma, Dad, this is Audrey. 29 00:01:32,179 --> 00:01:34,442 Audrey, this is my ma and dad. 30 00:01:34,485 --> 00:01:37,140 Hi, Audrey. Nice to meet you. 31 00:01:37,184 --> 00:01:38,968 Nice to meet you, Mr. Cannelloni. 32 00:01:39,011 --> 00:01:40,752 How come you're sitting in the dark today? 33 00:01:40,796 --> 00:01:42,363 Uh... 34 00:01:42,406 --> 00:01:45,148 we were-- we were watching the moon. 35 00:01:45,192 --> 00:01:47,324 Tony: Yeah. Yeah. 36 00:01:47,368 --> 00:01:49,370 In here? There's no moon out tonight. 37 00:01:49,413 --> 00:01:51,111 Is there a moon out, Joe? 38 00:01:51,154 --> 00:01:53,417 Louise, will you take it easy? 39 00:01:53,461 --> 00:01:55,158 There's a moon out there. 40 00:01:55,202 --> 00:01:56,855 You get any? 41 00:01:56,899 --> 00:01:59,423 Audrey, is there anything I can get you, a drink or something? 42 00:01:59,467 --> 00:02:00,816 No, Dad. We were just about to leave. 43 00:02:00,859 --> 00:02:03,210 What's this? 44 00:02:03,253 --> 00:02:05,560 That's mine, Mom. 45 00:02:05,603 --> 00:02:07,953 Sorry. I been looking all over the house for it. 46 00:02:07,997 --> 00:02:10,304 Christina, how many times have I told you 47 00:02:10,347 --> 00:02:12,219 to please pick up after yourself? 48 00:02:12,262 --> 00:02:14,569 Anybody want coffee in here? Joe? 49 00:02:14,612 --> 00:02:16,701 Yes, dear. 50 00:02:16,745 --> 00:02:18,050 No, thanks, Mom. 51 00:02:21,445 --> 00:02:22,968 Come on, Audrey. I'll drive you home. 52 00:02:23,012 --> 00:02:24,579 I'm going to walk. 53 00:02:24,622 --> 00:02:25,971 What do you mean, walk home? 54 00:02:26,015 --> 00:02:27,321 You can't leave me like this. 55 00:02:27,364 --> 00:02:29,497 It's not my problem. 56 00:02:29,540 --> 00:02:31,368 When can I see you again? 57 00:02:31,412 --> 00:02:34,154 Tony Cannelloni, if I never see you again, 58 00:02:34,197 --> 00:02:35,590 it'll be too soon. 59 00:02:35,633 --> 00:02:37,722 Oh, Audrey, 60 00:02:37,766 --> 00:02:40,595 aren't you forgetting something? 61 00:02:40,638 --> 00:02:42,118 [ laughs ] 62 00:02:44,207 --> 00:02:47,079 Ah, what's the matter, big brother? 63 00:02:47,123 --> 00:02:49,821 You know, I heard cold showers do wonders. 64 00:02:49,865 --> 00:02:52,215 [ laughs ] 65 00:02:52,259 --> 00:02:54,739 [ music playing ] 66 00:02:54,783 --> 00:02:57,089 [ bird chirping ] 67 00:03:03,531 --> 00:03:04,836 [ sighs ] 68 00:03:18,023 --> 00:03:20,112 Nice day, isn't it? 69 00:03:20,156 --> 00:03:22,898 Was until you opened you big mouth. 70 00:03:22,941 --> 00:03:25,248 Excuse me. Excuse me. 71 00:04:29,747 --> 00:04:31,271 Tony! Tony! 72 00:04:35,144 --> 00:04:37,277 - Good morning. - Morning. 73 00:04:40,062 --> 00:04:41,324 Good morning, Daphne. 74 00:04:45,372 --> 00:04:48,331 Cannelloni, you are five minutes late. 75 00:04:49,767 --> 00:04:50,725 Sorry. 76 00:04:52,814 --> 00:04:54,076 [ buzzer sounds ] 77 00:04:55,904 --> 00:04:57,906 [ laughs ] Sure. 78 00:05:08,220 --> 00:05:10,788 [ Daphne laughs ] 79 00:05:10,832 --> 00:05:12,529 [ shrieks ] 80 00:05:28,371 --> 00:05:29,720 [ clears throat ] 81 00:05:29,764 --> 00:05:31,853 Nice day, isn't it? 82 00:05:31,896 --> 00:05:33,681 Yeah, right. 83 00:05:36,597 --> 00:05:38,903 [ playing trumpet ] 84 00:05:47,825 --> 00:05:49,392 Hey, that's a no-no. Come on. 85 00:05:49,436 --> 00:05:51,133 - Let's go. Come on. - [ yelps ] 86 00:05:51,176 --> 00:05:52,439 Weirdo. 87 00:05:58,532 --> 00:06:01,099 Nice day, isn't it? 88 00:06:01,143 --> 00:06:02,362 Sure. Come on, honey. 89 00:06:07,149 --> 00:06:08,759 Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable 90 00:06:08,803 --> 00:06:10,413 in a hotel room or something? 91 00:06:10,457 --> 00:06:12,154 Oh, honey, why waste your money? 92 00:06:12,197 --> 00:06:13,938 Besides, when I get through with you, 93 00:06:13,982 --> 00:06:15,592 you'll think you're in heaven. 94 00:06:15,636 --> 00:06:17,812 But first, money, please. 95 00:06:17,855 --> 00:06:19,379 Oh, yeah. 96 00:06:21,685 --> 00:06:23,295 Here you go. 97 00:06:23,339 --> 00:06:25,646 [ gasps ] Oh, butterfingers me. 98 00:06:25,689 --> 00:06:27,038 Could you? 99 00:06:27,082 --> 00:06:28,649 Yeah, sure. 100 00:06:28,692 --> 00:06:29,780 [ laughs ] 101 00:06:29,824 --> 00:06:31,391 [ boing ] 102 00:06:31,434 --> 00:06:33,784 See, honey? Just like heaven. 103 00:06:35,307 --> 00:06:36,700 - [ knock on door ] - Louise: Tony. 104 00:06:36,744 --> 00:06:38,267 Are you going to be in there all day? 105 00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:40,530 I'll be out in a minute, Ma. 106 00:06:40,574 --> 00:06:41,705 Tony. 107 00:06:41,749 --> 00:06:43,490 Yeah, Ma. 108 00:06:43,533 --> 00:06:45,579 We're ready to sit down to dinner. 109 00:06:45,622 --> 00:06:48,582 Okay, okay. Jeez. 110 00:06:48,625 --> 00:06:51,323 I got a surprise for you, Tony. 111 00:06:53,282 --> 00:06:55,980 I invited Deborah to dinner. 112 00:06:56,024 --> 00:06:58,592 [ sighs ] 113 00:06:58,635 --> 00:07:01,333 Tony has this obsession with hygiene. 114 00:07:01,377 --> 00:07:03,771 He's always in the bathroom. 115 00:07:03,814 --> 00:07:06,208 Well, cleanliness is next to godliness, 116 00:07:06,251 --> 00:07:08,210 I always say, Mrs. Cannelloni. 117 00:07:08,253 --> 00:07:10,865 - Hi, Deborah. - Hi, Tony. 118 00:07:10,908 --> 00:07:12,432 Well, Tony, did you have a nice day? 119 00:07:12,475 --> 00:07:13,433 Don't ask. 120 00:07:13,476 --> 00:07:15,913 Tony, I got the tickets. 121 00:07:15,957 --> 00:07:17,088 What tickets? 122 00:07:17,132 --> 00:07:18,655 I told Deborah you love birds. 123 00:07:18,699 --> 00:07:22,180 So I got tickets to the Audubon Society lecture tonight. 124 00:07:22,224 --> 00:07:23,312 It's all about the mating 125 00:07:23,355 --> 00:07:27,577 of the African speckle hawk. [ laughs ] 126 00:07:27,621 --> 00:07:29,492 Christina: I think you're confused, Mom. 127 00:07:29,536 --> 00:07:31,146 Tony didn't say "birds." He said "chicks." 128 00:07:31,189 --> 00:07:33,365 Chicks, ducks, penguins, same thing. 129 00:07:33,409 --> 00:07:34,366 Christina: Um... 130 00:07:34,410 --> 00:07:36,630 no, Tony promised to help me 131 00:07:36,673 --> 00:07:39,023 with my-- study for my business exam. 132 00:07:39,067 --> 00:07:40,895 Yeah, yeah. I did? 133 00:07:40,938 --> 00:07:43,201 Well, Tony can help you tomorrow night. 134 00:07:43,245 --> 00:07:44,812 Deborah went to a lot of-- 135 00:07:44,855 --> 00:07:46,509 Joe: But, Louise, I need the car tonight. 136 00:07:46,553 --> 00:07:48,685 Oh, that's all right, Mr. Cannelloni. 137 00:07:48,729 --> 00:07:50,731 We can use mine. 138 00:07:50,774 --> 00:07:53,298 Joe: Ahem. 139 00:07:53,342 --> 00:07:55,387 Thank you, Lord, for this bountiful feast, 140 00:07:55,431 --> 00:07:58,260 for the antipasto salad, 141 00:07:58,303 --> 00:08:00,610 for the chicken Parmesan 142 00:08:00,654 --> 00:08:03,613 with Louise's famous sauce, 143 00:08:03,657 --> 00:08:05,006 um... 144 00:08:05,049 --> 00:08:07,138 the side linguini with the-- 145 00:08:07,182 --> 00:08:10,533 smothered in a green pesto sauce, 146 00:08:10,577 --> 00:08:12,579 and for dessert-- 147 00:08:12,622 --> 00:08:14,189 what's for dessert, Louise? 148 00:08:14,232 --> 00:08:15,712 You're on a diet, remember? 149 00:08:15,756 --> 00:08:17,366 Scratch the dessert. 150 00:08:17,409 --> 00:08:19,020 Amen. 151 00:08:19,063 --> 00:08:20,935 Excuse me, but... 152 00:08:20,978 --> 00:08:22,327 What's the matter, Deborah? 153 00:08:22,371 --> 00:08:25,330 ...well, I forgot... 154 00:08:25,374 --> 00:08:26,984 What got into her? 155 00:08:27,028 --> 00:08:28,812 Maybe you should have made dessert. 156 00:08:28,856 --> 00:08:29,857 Sauce. 157 00:08:31,946 --> 00:08:33,295 What did you say to her? 158 00:08:33,338 --> 00:08:35,036 That you had V.D. 159 00:08:35,079 --> 00:08:36,603 Which one? 160 00:08:38,735 --> 00:08:41,042 [ alarm buzzing ] 161 00:08:50,486 --> 00:08:51,443 [ alarm stops ] 162 00:08:51,487 --> 00:08:53,533 [ sighs ] 163 00:08:55,883 --> 00:08:56,840 [ car horn honks ] 164 00:09:03,281 --> 00:09:05,545 [ music playing ] 165 00:09:09,636 --> 00:09:11,899 [ animal growling ] 166 00:09:24,302 --> 00:09:25,608 [ car horn honks ] 167 00:09:27,828 --> 00:09:28,698 [ car horn honks ] 168 00:09:42,103 --> 00:09:43,452 Is this yours? 169 00:09:43,495 --> 00:09:44,540 No. 170 00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:55,638 Announcer: "Sex Appeal." 171 00:09:55,682 --> 00:09:57,248 How to get it... 172 00:09:57,292 --> 00:09:59,294 and what to do with it. 173 00:09:59,337 --> 00:10:01,644 Do women reject you daily? 174 00:10:01,688 --> 00:10:04,604 When was the last time you had a date? 175 00:10:04,647 --> 00:10:06,780 Are you still stuck on first base 176 00:10:06,823 --> 00:10:09,609 while the rest of the team is hitting home runs? 177 00:10:09,652 --> 00:10:11,523 Are you tired of the Michael Jackson song 178 00:10:11,567 --> 00:10:13,134 "Beat It"? 179 00:10:13,177 --> 00:10:15,571 If you've answered yes to any of these questions, 180 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:18,443 you may be lacking sex appeal. 181 00:10:18,487 --> 00:10:21,446 For 19.95, learn how to attract the opposite sex. 182 00:10:21,490 --> 00:10:25,450 Learn how you too can achieve sex appeal. 183 00:10:25,494 --> 00:10:26,626 [ announcer chortles ] 184 00:10:28,497 --> 00:10:30,194 [ announcer chokes ] 185 00:10:30,238 --> 00:10:31,456 [ announcer gasps ] 186 00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:32,632 At your favorite bookstore. 187 00:10:37,332 --> 00:10:39,290 - Hi. - Hi. 188 00:10:39,334 --> 00:10:41,423 - How much is that? - That's 4.55. 189 00:10:41,466 --> 00:10:43,512 - Okay. - Psst! 190 00:10:43,555 --> 00:10:45,557 Book: Psst. Over here. 191 00:10:56,264 --> 00:10:58,179 - Good-bye. - Bye now. 192 00:11:01,051 --> 00:11:04,011 Hey, Bernie! How much is "Sex Appeal"? 193 00:11:04,054 --> 00:11:07,492 Oh, about 36-28-36. 194 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,327 Come on. 195 00:11:16,371 --> 00:11:18,634 [ drumroll playing ] 196 00:11:27,425 --> 00:11:28,688 [ drumroll stops ] 197 00:11:34,432 --> 00:11:37,871 Hi, future seducer and all-round sexy guy. 198 00:11:37,914 --> 00:11:39,524 Hundreds of men like yourself 199 00:11:39,568 --> 00:11:41,135 in their spare time 200 00:11:41,178 --> 00:11:43,659 discovered the secrets of sex appeal. 201 00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,443 If you follow the simple steps 202 00:11:45,487 --> 00:11:47,054 outlined in this book, 203 00:11:47,097 --> 00:11:49,709 you can turn your dull, drab life 204 00:11:49,752 --> 00:11:53,451 into a jungle of steaming, dripping erotic pleasures. 205 00:11:53,495 --> 00:11:54,801 [ chortles ] 206 00:11:54,844 --> 00:11:56,454 Is that the kind of world you want? 207 00:11:56,498 --> 00:11:57,455 Yeah! 208 00:11:57,499 --> 00:11:59,066 Okay, okay. 209 00:11:59,109 --> 00:12:01,938 First step, be cool. 210 00:12:01,982 --> 00:12:04,811 Now the second step. 211 00:12:04,854 --> 00:12:07,335 You need a primary base of operation, 212 00:12:07,378 --> 00:12:10,077 an oasis to lure those voluptuous, 213 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:12,688 lusting, man-hungry creatures of the night. 214 00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:13,820 What? 215 00:12:13,863 --> 00:12:15,212 An apartment, 216 00:12:15,256 --> 00:12:16,997 a bachelor pad, 217 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:20,000 a place where a man can be a real man 218 00:12:20,043 --> 00:12:23,743 and a woman can be that real man's mate. 219 00:12:39,889 --> 00:12:41,586 Name's Donald Cromronic, 220 00:12:41,630 --> 00:12:43,501 and I'm the super of this brownstone 221 00:12:43,545 --> 00:12:45,460 and writer extraordinaire. 222 00:12:45,503 --> 00:12:46,809 This is my apartment, 2A. 223 00:12:46,853 --> 00:12:48,463 So tell me, where you from? 224 00:12:48,506 --> 00:12:49,986 - Jersey. - Jersey. 225 00:12:50,030 --> 00:12:51,640 Yeah, I'm an accountant. 226 00:12:51,683 --> 00:12:53,685 So tell me, you ever written anything I'd have read? 227 00:12:53,729 --> 00:12:55,383 Yeah, probably. I write for all the magazines. 228 00:12:55,426 --> 00:12:57,341 Oh, yeah? You mean like "People" 229 00:12:57,385 --> 00:12:59,082 and the "Enquirer" and "Playboy"? 230 00:12:59,126 --> 00:13:01,128 Hey, let's get something straight. I'm not a hack writer. 231 00:13:01,171 --> 00:13:04,044 My articles have appeared in "Scientific America," 232 00:13:04,087 --> 00:13:06,263 "Reader's Digest." We're talking "Popular Mechanics" here. 233 00:13:06,307 --> 00:13:08,309 Yeah? Is there any money in those kinds of articles? 234 00:13:08,352 --> 00:13:09,658 Eh, not really. 235 00:13:09,701 --> 00:13:11,181 That's why I'm also working on my novel, 236 00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:12,574 you know, the Great American Novel. 237 00:13:12,617 --> 00:13:13,923 Yeah. 238 00:13:13,967 --> 00:13:15,316 Okay, here's the vacant one. 239 00:13:15,359 --> 00:13:16,534 Ta-da! 240 00:13:18,232 --> 00:13:19,842 Donald: Isn't it a honey? 241 00:13:19,886 --> 00:13:22,584 The apartment goes for 800 a month. 242 00:13:22,627 --> 00:13:24,194 So what I'm going to need from you 243 00:13:24,238 --> 00:13:27,154 is one month in advance and two months' security. 244 00:13:27,197 --> 00:13:29,678 Think you can handle that? Great. 245 00:13:29,721 --> 00:13:32,681 Okay, now, there is absolutely no animals, 246 00:13:32,724 --> 00:13:35,423 no pets, no wild parties, 247 00:13:35,466 --> 00:13:38,121 no reconstruction without my permission, 248 00:13:38,165 --> 00:13:41,385 no subletting, and most important, 249 00:13:41,429 --> 00:13:43,997 you could not use this apartment as a place of business. 250 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:46,913 I think that about covers it. 251 00:13:46,956 --> 00:13:48,697 You have any questions so far? 252 00:13:48,740 --> 00:13:51,569 Yeah. The beer cans come with it? 253 00:13:51,613 --> 00:13:53,658 Hey, that's funny. 254 00:13:53,702 --> 00:13:55,791 I'm glad to see you have a sense of humor. 255 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,706 I like that. It's going to come in handy 256 00:13:57,749 --> 00:13:59,751 when the heating and plumbing go out. 257 00:13:59,795 --> 00:14:01,144 Just kidding. 258 00:14:01,188 --> 00:14:03,581 Well, I looked at six other places, 259 00:14:03,625 --> 00:14:05,583 and so far-- 260 00:14:05,627 --> 00:14:07,281 would you excuse me for a minute? 261 00:14:07,324 --> 00:14:08,717 Oh, sure, sure. Go ahead. 262 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,591 Book: The right apartment 263 00:14:13,635 --> 00:14:15,898 must have separate living room, 264 00:14:15,942 --> 00:14:19,162 bedroom, kitchen, and bath. 265 00:14:19,206 --> 00:14:22,862 It must have a magnificent view of the city. 266 00:14:24,951 --> 00:14:26,648 And above all, 267 00:14:26,691 --> 00:14:29,433 it must have privacy. 268 00:14:31,392 --> 00:14:33,524 But if all you can afford is one room 269 00:14:33,568 --> 00:14:34,917 with a view of a brick wall 270 00:14:34,961 --> 00:14:37,746 and a nosy super next door, take it. 271 00:14:37,789 --> 00:14:39,313 Hey, you've got to start somewhere. 272 00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,449 I'll take it. 273 00:14:45,493 --> 00:14:48,017 Book: The next step-- you must cut 274 00:14:48,061 --> 00:14:49,801 the umbilical cord with your parents. 275 00:14:49,845 --> 00:14:51,151 Leaving?! 276 00:14:51,194 --> 00:14:53,849 Who's going to take care of you?! 277 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,503 You're not married, Tony. 278 00:14:55,546 --> 00:14:57,244 You don't have a wife. 279 00:14:57,287 --> 00:14:59,072 Who's going to make your favorite brownies? 280 00:14:59,115 --> 00:15:00,987 Who's going to wash your sneakers? 281 00:15:01,030 --> 00:15:02,640 Who's going to make your bed? 282 00:15:02,684 --> 00:15:05,643 Louise, come on, now. Calm down. 283 00:15:05,687 --> 00:15:07,645 Is this the thanks I get 284 00:15:07,689 --> 00:15:09,212 for devoting my life to you? 285 00:15:09,256 --> 00:15:11,911 You're going to get some kind of horrible disease. 286 00:15:11,954 --> 00:15:14,914 Look, Mom, don't you think you're overreacting a little? 287 00:15:14,957 --> 00:15:16,176 I mean, it's not like Tony's a child. 288 00:15:16,219 --> 00:15:17,438 Hah! 289 00:15:17,481 --> 00:15:20,136 Ma, I got to leave sometime! 290 00:15:20,180 --> 00:15:21,964 Tony's right. I think it's time 291 00:15:22,008 --> 00:15:23,661 he stands on his own two feet. 292 00:15:25,402 --> 00:15:29,363 My baby doesn't love me anymore. 293 00:15:29,406 --> 00:15:31,321 Ma-- Christina. 294 00:15:31,365 --> 00:15:32,801 I'll go calm her down. 295 00:15:32,844 --> 00:15:33,976 Look, if Ralph gets here, 296 00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:35,978 tell him to wait, okay? 297 00:15:36,022 --> 00:15:36,979 You still seeing that schmuck? 298 00:15:37,023 --> 00:15:38,415 Oh, Dad. 299 00:15:39,895 --> 00:15:41,984 You know, Tony, 300 00:15:42,028 --> 00:15:44,769 I think you're doing the right thing, 301 00:15:44,813 --> 00:15:46,728 but you sure you're telling 302 00:15:46,771 --> 00:15:48,730 the old Dad everything? Huh? 303 00:15:48,773 --> 00:15:51,733 Hey, I mean, young guy like you 304 00:15:51,776 --> 00:15:53,387 wanting an apartment. 305 00:15:53,430 --> 00:15:54,779 What have you got, 306 00:15:54,823 --> 00:15:56,390 a couple of honeys on the line? 307 00:15:56,433 --> 00:15:57,913 Not exactly, Dad, 308 00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,523 but I hope so soon. 309 00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:01,047 Ah, yeah, that's my boy. 310 00:16:01,090 --> 00:16:03,919 Tony, you know, when I was your age, 311 00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:07,270 well, let's just say that 312 00:16:07,314 --> 00:16:08,968 not too many girls got past 313 00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:10,752 your old dad's touch. You know what I mean? 314 00:16:10,795 --> 00:16:12,493 - [ doorbell rings ] - It's Ralph! I'll get it! 315 00:16:12,536 --> 00:16:14,103 Eh, schmuck. 316 00:16:14,147 --> 00:16:16,888 Tony, what I'm trying to tell you... 317 00:16:19,587 --> 00:16:21,719 ...I want you to feel free to come to me 318 00:16:21,763 --> 00:16:23,591 with any of your problems or-- 319 00:16:23,634 --> 00:16:25,158 Yeah. 320 00:16:25,201 --> 00:16:27,943 Yeah, if there's anything you can't handle. 321 00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,946 You know what I mean? Okay? 322 00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,252 Huh? 323 00:16:32,295 --> 00:16:33,818 - Yeah. - [ laughs ] 324 00:16:33,862 --> 00:16:35,124 Sure, Dad. 325 00:16:53,534 --> 00:16:56,319 Book: Now that you've won your freedom, 326 00:16:56,363 --> 00:16:59,018 the next step is to appraise your surroundings. 327 00:17:01,107 --> 00:17:03,848 Put your imagination to work. 328 00:17:03,892 --> 00:17:06,851 Remember, you're trying to create an atmosphere 329 00:17:06,895 --> 00:17:09,854 that will make you look alive with sexuality 330 00:17:09,898 --> 00:17:12,335 and make your prey weak in the knees. 331 00:17:12,379 --> 00:17:14,424 [ rock 'n' roll playing ] 332 00:17:28,699 --> 00:17:31,093 Great care should go into the selection of your furnishings. 333 00:17:31,137 --> 00:17:35,837 The feel should be erotic and sensual. 334 00:17:52,375 --> 00:17:55,813 Warning, do not attempt any skirmishes 335 00:17:55,857 --> 00:17:57,815 until you and your place 336 00:17:57,859 --> 00:17:59,469 are ready for combat action. 337 00:17:59,513 --> 00:18:00,862 Right. Right. 338 00:18:00,905 --> 00:18:02,559 Come on, you son of a bitch! 339 00:18:02,603 --> 00:18:04,126 I beg your pardon. 340 00:18:05,823 --> 00:18:08,087 Do you mind? 341 00:18:08,130 --> 00:18:10,045 You're her. 342 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:11,525 You're the Midnight Champagne woman. 343 00:18:11,568 --> 00:18:14,528 I mean, you're the girl on the poster. 344 00:18:14,571 --> 00:18:16,921 Yeah. Look, would it be too much 345 00:18:16,965 --> 00:18:18,880 to ask you to let me by here? 346 00:18:18,923 --> 00:18:21,491 Yeah. I mean, no, no. Sure. 347 00:18:21,535 --> 00:18:23,667 Go ahead. 348 00:18:23,711 --> 00:18:25,843 May I make a suggestion here? 349 00:18:25,887 --> 00:18:27,454 Yeah, yeah. 350 00:18:27,497 --> 00:18:29,108 Tilt the corner on the floor inward... 351 00:18:29,151 --> 00:18:30,457 - Mm-hmm. - ...and put the top up. 352 00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:31,588 Yeah. 353 00:18:31,632 --> 00:18:33,024 Then corner it around the door frame. 354 00:18:33,068 --> 00:18:34,635 This-- 355 00:18:34,678 --> 00:18:36,202 [ groans ] 356 00:18:38,204 --> 00:18:39,335 Wow. 357 00:18:39,379 --> 00:18:40,989 How'd you know how to do that? 358 00:18:41,032 --> 00:18:42,512 Just a little common sense 359 00:18:42,556 --> 00:18:44,297 and the desire to get to my apartment. 360 00:18:44,340 --> 00:18:46,081 - I'm Tony. I'm new here. - Yeah. 361 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,387 Do you live in the building? 362 00:18:47,430 --> 00:18:49,040 - I'm afraid so. - Yeah? 363 00:18:49,084 --> 00:18:50,390 Maybe we could get together sometime. 364 00:18:50,433 --> 00:18:51,782 Yeah, maybe. 365 00:18:51,826 --> 00:18:53,001 [ sighs ] 366 00:18:53,044 --> 00:18:54,916 She's beautiful. 367 00:18:56,047 --> 00:18:57,614 Tony! Tony! 368 00:18:57,658 --> 00:18:59,225 Please, Tony, I need you. 369 00:18:59,268 --> 00:19:01,052 I love you. I can't live without you, Tony. 370 00:19:01,096 --> 00:19:02,967 Mm, mm, mm. Oh, Tony, won't you tell me 371 00:19:03,011 --> 00:19:04,491 that we can maybe go have some time? 372 00:19:04,534 --> 00:19:05,883 Oh, Tony-- 373 00:19:05,927 --> 00:19:07,929 Yeah, maybe. 374 00:19:07,972 --> 00:19:09,191 Maybe. 375 00:19:11,889 --> 00:19:13,761 He said maybe. 376 00:19:13,804 --> 00:19:15,066 [ squeals ] He said maybe! 377 00:19:17,852 --> 00:19:21,029 Donald, would you like 378 00:19:21,072 --> 00:19:22,596 a little advice from your agent? 379 00:19:22,639 --> 00:19:25,251 Not really. 380 00:19:25,294 --> 00:19:28,167 Tell me how your principles 381 00:19:28,210 --> 00:19:31,170 are going to pay the $2,000 you owe in back taxes. 382 00:19:31,213 --> 00:19:34,173 The IRS could care less about your moralistic standards. 383 00:19:34,216 --> 00:19:35,957 They want their money, baby, 384 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,306 just like everybody else. 385 00:19:37,350 --> 00:19:39,265 Fran, I am this close to finishing my novel. 386 00:19:40,875 --> 00:19:43,834 The Great American Novel? 387 00:19:43,878 --> 00:19:46,837 Donald, who in the hell wants to read 388 00:19:46,881 --> 00:19:50,058 about the founding and development of the American sewer system? 389 00:19:50,101 --> 00:19:52,582 You still don't think that's a good idea? 390 00:19:52,626 --> 00:19:54,149 No. 391 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:55,759 Fran, I'm stymied. 392 00:19:55,803 --> 00:19:57,544 I don't know what the hell to do now. 393 00:19:57,587 --> 00:19:59,807 You need to make some big bucks fast. 394 00:19:59,850 --> 00:20:01,896 Oh. 395 00:20:01,939 --> 00:20:03,680 And how am I supposed to do that? 396 00:20:05,378 --> 00:20:06,988 Sex. 397 00:20:07,031 --> 00:20:08,816 Articles about who, what, where, 398 00:20:08,859 --> 00:20:11,601 when, and how about sex. 399 00:20:11,645 --> 00:20:13,124 That's what sells! 400 00:20:13,168 --> 00:20:15,344 Write me those kinds of articles. 401 00:20:15,388 --> 00:20:17,433 Screw your principles. 402 00:20:17,477 --> 00:20:19,522 Okay, okay, okay. 403 00:20:19,566 --> 00:20:21,307 Where do I start? 404 00:20:23,047 --> 00:20:24,658 If I knew that, 405 00:20:24,701 --> 00:20:27,487 I'd write them myself. 406 00:20:27,530 --> 00:20:29,228 Dumb shit. 407 00:20:32,143 --> 00:20:34,058 The outward appearance of your apartment 408 00:20:34,102 --> 00:20:36,060 should have that respectable look 409 00:20:36,104 --> 00:20:39,063 with only you knowing what lies beneath it all. 410 00:20:39,107 --> 00:20:41,370 Before your first attempt at seduction, 411 00:20:41,414 --> 00:20:44,025 may I suggest you try a test run? 412 00:20:44,068 --> 00:20:46,288 See that everything works properly. 413 00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:49,030 Remember, practice makes perfect 414 00:20:49,073 --> 00:20:50,684 in more ways than one. 415 00:20:50,727 --> 00:20:51,946 [ chortles ] 416 00:20:51,989 --> 00:20:53,295 [ Tony chuckles ] 417 00:20:53,339 --> 00:20:55,602 On your mark. 418 00:20:55,645 --> 00:20:57,256 Get set. 419 00:20:57,299 --> 00:20:58,213 Go! 420 00:21:02,391 --> 00:21:03,218 Shit. 421 00:21:06,700 --> 00:21:09,006 [ rock 'n' roll playing ] 422 00:21:59,883 --> 00:22:00,841 Yeah. 423 00:22:04,018 --> 00:22:05,367 - [ music stops ] - All set. 424 00:22:05,411 --> 00:22:07,413 Now what? 425 00:22:07,456 --> 00:22:10,111 Now take a look at yourself. 426 00:22:12,331 --> 00:22:14,071 Do you look like Burt Reynolds? 427 00:22:14,115 --> 00:22:15,464 No. 428 00:22:15,508 --> 00:22:17,684 - How about Robert Redford? - No. 429 00:22:17,727 --> 00:22:19,729 Good. If you did, you wouldn't need this book. 430 00:22:19,773 --> 00:22:22,471 Okay, now look at your hair. 431 00:22:22,515 --> 00:22:24,952 It needs an expert's touch, 432 00:22:24,995 --> 00:22:27,955 cut and styled to accent those strong features. 433 00:22:27,998 --> 00:22:30,479 [ laughs ] And those clothes. 434 00:22:30,523 --> 00:22:31,872 What's the matter with my clothes? 435 00:22:31,915 --> 00:22:33,482 They've got to go. 436 00:22:33,526 --> 00:22:35,615 You want to wear clothes that are fashionable, 437 00:22:35,658 --> 00:22:38,008 that will attract women, not repel them. 438 00:22:38,052 --> 00:22:41,185 Ehh, and that body. 439 00:22:41,229 --> 00:22:43,362 When was the last time you ran a step, 440 00:22:43,405 --> 00:22:45,842 pressed some weights? 441 00:22:45,886 --> 00:22:48,541 Most women like a man with a toned, muscular body. 442 00:22:51,195 --> 00:22:53,067 Okay. I'll do it. 443 00:22:53,110 --> 00:22:54,111 Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. 444 00:22:54,155 --> 00:22:56,897 Cut those nose hairs. 445 00:22:56,940 --> 00:22:59,247 - [ movie playing ] - [ Christina moaning ] 446 00:23:01,423 --> 00:23:02,903 - Ralph. - Huh? 447 00:23:02,946 --> 00:23:05,079 Oh, God. The steering wheel stick's 448 00:23:05,122 --> 00:23:07,777 crushing my back. [ moans ] 449 00:23:07,821 --> 00:23:10,258 Oh, those muscles of yours are so big and hard. 450 00:23:10,301 --> 00:23:12,608 - Sorry. - Oh. 451 00:23:12,652 --> 00:23:13,827 Look, why don't we try this? 452 00:23:13,870 --> 00:23:16,699 Okay. Ralph. 453 00:23:16,743 --> 00:23:18,353 Oh, God. The gearshift, 454 00:23:18,397 --> 00:23:19,702 it's sticking me in the side. 455 00:23:19,746 --> 00:23:21,356 Christina, I'm sorry. 456 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:22,401 Yeah, I know you are, Ralph. 457 00:23:24,490 --> 00:23:25,926 Why don't we just try the backseat? 458 00:23:25,969 --> 00:23:27,797 Hey, guys. 459 00:23:27,841 --> 00:23:29,190 Hey, how's it hanging, Ralphie? Hi, Christina. 460 00:23:29,233 --> 00:23:30,626 Want some popcorn, guys? 461 00:23:30,670 --> 00:23:32,454 Have a beer, Ralph. Christina, you want one? 462 00:23:32,498 --> 00:23:33,934 No, thanks. 463 00:23:33,977 --> 00:23:35,936 Hope you don't mind us watching the movie with you. 464 00:23:35,979 --> 00:23:37,328 - Nah. - We snuck in 465 00:23:37,372 --> 00:23:38,939 and don't have anyplace to sit. 466 00:23:38,982 --> 00:23:40,723 No kidding. How'd you do that? 467 00:23:40,767 --> 00:23:42,725 Well, we waited until the guard was just about-- 468 00:23:42,769 --> 00:23:45,075 [ music playing ] 469 00:23:49,993 --> 00:23:51,604 Hi, Peter. 470 00:23:58,828 --> 00:24:00,047 Uh... 471 00:24:00,090 --> 00:24:01,440 maybe not these either. 472 00:24:01,483 --> 00:24:02,789 You got something with a little color? 473 00:24:02,832 --> 00:24:04,051 Sure. 474 00:24:04,094 --> 00:24:07,054 So what do you think? 475 00:24:07,097 --> 00:24:09,186 Not exactly what I had in mind. 476 00:24:10,710 --> 00:24:12,538 Oh! 477 00:24:16,498 --> 00:24:18,500 All right, you animal. 478 00:24:18,544 --> 00:24:20,241 - Now that your trap... - [ growls ] 479 00:24:20,284 --> 00:24:21,851 ...is ready and baited, 480 00:24:21,895 --> 00:24:23,549 it's time to stalk your prey. 481 00:24:23,592 --> 00:24:25,289 - Your first conquest... - Yeah. 482 00:24:25,333 --> 00:24:27,509 ...should be a simple one, a woman you already know, 483 00:24:27,553 --> 00:24:30,077 but have always been afraid to ask. 484 00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:32,340 Pick up the phone and call her. 485 00:24:32,383 --> 00:24:34,734 Invite her to your place for drinks. 486 00:24:34,777 --> 00:24:37,519 If she says yes, it can only mean one thing. 487 00:24:37,563 --> 00:24:39,869 - What? - Sex, dummy. 488 00:24:39,913 --> 00:24:40,696 Oh. Yeah. 489 00:24:45,179 --> 00:24:46,397 Yes. 490 00:24:46,441 --> 00:24:47,616 [ high-pitched ] Stephanie? 491 00:24:47,660 --> 00:24:48,835 [ clears throat ] Stephanie. 492 00:24:48,878 --> 00:24:50,097 Yes? 493 00:24:50,140 --> 00:24:51,272 This is Tony. 494 00:24:51,315 --> 00:24:52,752 Tony? 495 00:24:52,795 --> 00:24:54,667 Yeah, Tony Cannelloni, 496 00:24:54,710 --> 00:24:55,972 from the office. 497 00:24:56,016 --> 00:24:57,931 Tony. 498 00:24:57,974 --> 00:25:00,934 Oh, Tony, yeah. 499 00:25:00,977 --> 00:25:02,675 What could I do for you, Tony? 500 00:25:02,718 --> 00:25:04,328 Well, I was thinking... 501 00:25:04,372 --> 00:25:05,591 Book: Do it. Do it. 502 00:25:05,634 --> 00:25:08,071 - What did you say? - Tony: Nothing. 503 00:25:08,115 --> 00:25:11,074 Well, well, we've worked together for over a year now, 504 00:25:11,118 --> 00:25:13,816 and, well, we don't really know each other very well, 505 00:25:13,860 --> 00:25:17,037 and I just thought that... 506 00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:18,473 Yes, Tony? 507 00:25:18,517 --> 00:25:21,302 Well, I know you're probably busy 508 00:25:21,345 --> 00:25:23,565 and we'd never have time to get together for a couple drinks, 509 00:25:23,609 --> 00:25:25,915 but I just thought I'd ask anyway. 510 00:25:25,959 --> 00:25:28,614 I'm never too busy for you, Tony. 511 00:25:28,657 --> 00:25:30,093 I'd love to. 512 00:25:31,704 --> 00:25:32,879 Tony, are you there? 513 00:25:32,922 --> 00:25:34,489 Y-Yeah. 514 00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:36,447 I mean, you said yes. 515 00:25:36,491 --> 00:25:38,145 You really said yes. 516 00:25:38,188 --> 00:25:39,799 Book: See? 517 00:25:41,496 --> 00:25:43,759 Amazing. 518 00:25:43,803 --> 00:25:45,761 Well, I'll see you, Steph. 519 00:25:45,805 --> 00:25:47,458 Aren't you forgetting something, 520 00:25:47,502 --> 00:25:49,591 like where do you live? 521 00:25:49,635 --> 00:25:51,941 - [ typing ] - [ phones ringing ] 522 00:25:59,601 --> 00:26:01,734 Miss Crenshaw, would you come in here, please? 523 00:26:11,482 --> 00:26:13,659 Miss Crenshaw, 524 00:26:13,702 --> 00:26:15,878 I have something for you. 525 00:26:15,922 --> 00:26:17,750 Well, I don't want it, Joe. 526 00:26:17,793 --> 00:26:20,796 Do you remember what you promised me? 527 00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:23,799 Well, let me refresh your memory, Mr. Cannelloni. 528 00:26:23,843 --> 00:26:25,714 "I promise you will never have to do it 529 00:26:25,758 --> 00:26:27,629 in the office again, Miss Crenshaw." 530 00:26:27,673 --> 00:26:30,893 You promised to treat me like a lady. 531 00:26:30,937 --> 00:26:34,462 Like, why can't you take me to a fancy hotel or something? 532 00:26:34,505 --> 00:26:37,465 It's not bad enough you make me work weekends, 533 00:26:37,508 --> 00:26:39,815 but you can't even keep a little promise. 534 00:26:39,859 --> 00:26:41,469 Miss Crenshaw, you know I don't like hotels. 535 00:26:41,512 --> 00:26:43,253 I mean, try to find someone with an apartment. 536 00:26:43,297 --> 00:26:44,646 Give me a little time. 537 00:26:44,690 --> 00:26:46,474 I promise, the next time we get together, 538 00:26:46,517 --> 00:26:47,780 we'll have a nice little place. 539 00:26:50,652 --> 00:26:53,307 So, well, don't leave me in this condition. 540 00:26:53,350 --> 00:26:54,917 Please, Miss Crenshaw? 541 00:26:54,961 --> 00:26:56,223 I'll give you a raise. 542 00:26:57,964 --> 00:26:59,661 Okay, Joe, 543 00:26:59,705 --> 00:27:01,663 but this is the last time, 544 00:27:01,707 --> 00:27:03,317 and I mean it. 545 00:27:07,364 --> 00:27:09,018 How much is the raise? 546 00:27:09,062 --> 00:27:11,325 Review your last-minute checklist. 547 00:27:11,368 --> 00:27:12,631 Music on. 548 00:27:14,937 --> 00:27:16,330 Tony: Check. 549 00:27:16,373 --> 00:27:17,244 - [ music playing ] - Ice bucket full? 550 00:27:18,724 --> 00:27:20,813 - Check. - Clean underwear? 551 00:27:20,856 --> 00:27:22,336 Yeah. Check. 552 00:27:22,379 --> 00:27:23,293 [ knock on door ] 553 00:27:27,341 --> 00:27:29,256 ♪ That sense of magic's... ♪ 554 00:27:29,299 --> 00:27:30,692 Who's there? 555 00:27:30,736 --> 00:27:33,173 Tony, you in there? 556 00:27:33,216 --> 00:27:37,133 ♪ You prey on any type of... ♪ 557 00:27:37,177 --> 00:27:38,831 Just a minute, Christina. I'll be right there. 558 00:27:38,874 --> 00:27:40,789 What's going on in there? 559 00:27:40,833 --> 00:27:41,877 - [ music stops ] - Open up, will you? 560 00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:54,629 What are you doing here? 561 00:27:54,673 --> 00:27:55,935 What kind of welcome is that? 562 00:27:57,676 --> 00:27:58,981 [ laughs ] What's going on here, anyway, 563 00:27:59,025 --> 00:28:00,113 an orgy? 564 00:28:00,156 --> 00:28:01,897 This is not bad. 565 00:28:01,941 --> 00:28:03,943 Oh, Tony, you know what you can use right there, 566 00:28:03,986 --> 00:28:05,814 you know, is one of those sexy statues 567 00:28:05,858 --> 00:28:08,034 and stuff, you know? That'd be great. 568 00:28:08,077 --> 00:28:09,688 Oh, over here, Tony, you could have 569 00:28:09,731 --> 00:28:11,385 some of those fancy mirrors and stuff. 570 00:28:11,428 --> 00:28:12,734 Don't you got no TV? 571 00:28:12,778 --> 00:28:14,388 Christina, what do you want? 572 00:28:14,431 --> 00:28:15,737 Nothing. Look, I just came by 573 00:28:15,781 --> 00:28:17,783 to see what my big brother was up to. 574 00:28:17,826 --> 00:28:19,349 Look, Tony, the least you could have done 575 00:28:19,393 --> 00:28:20,655 was invited me over to see it. 576 00:28:20,699 --> 00:28:22,178 Yeah, well, now that you seen it, 577 00:28:22,222 --> 00:28:23,223 Christina, it's time to go. 578 00:28:23,266 --> 00:28:24,572 But I just got here. 579 00:28:24,615 --> 00:28:26,269 - Christina! - What is the hurry? 580 00:28:26,313 --> 00:28:28,228 I'm tired, Christina. I had a long week 581 00:28:28,271 --> 00:28:29,620 at the office. I had loads of-- 582 00:28:29,664 --> 00:28:31,622 What are you up to, big brother? 583 00:28:31,666 --> 00:28:33,233 I got it. You got a date. 584 00:28:33,276 --> 00:28:34,625 Lay off, Christina. 585 00:28:34,669 --> 00:28:36,236 Okay, all right. I promise. 586 00:28:36,279 --> 00:28:37,846 No more questions, but look. 587 00:28:37,890 --> 00:28:39,239 Don't forget to call Mom tonight, okay? 588 00:28:39,282 --> 00:28:40,631 She's going sick with worry about you. 589 00:28:40,675 --> 00:28:42,242 Yeah, yeah. I will, now. Bye-bye. 590 00:28:42,285 --> 00:28:44,592 Ooh. I hope you score tonight, big brother! 591 00:28:45,898 --> 00:28:47,290 I got to get this place ready. 592 00:29:03,132 --> 00:29:04,438 Stereo. 593 00:29:06,179 --> 00:29:07,049 [ whistles ] 594 00:29:09,269 --> 00:29:10,487 Ah, yeah. 595 00:29:11,967 --> 00:29:13,316 [ music playing ] 596 00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:14,753 Oh, the bar. 597 00:29:17,451 --> 00:29:18,931 [ knock on door ] 598 00:29:18,974 --> 00:29:20,759 I'll be right there. 599 00:29:22,456 --> 00:29:24,023 ♪ That sense of... 600 00:29:24,066 --> 00:29:25,024 Hi. 601 00:29:25,067 --> 00:29:26,895 H-hi. 602 00:29:26,939 --> 00:29:28,723 Well, aren't you going to ask me in? 603 00:29:28,767 --> 00:29:30,725 Yeah, sure. Come on in. 604 00:29:34,773 --> 00:29:39,168 ♪ Could you fall for me once again? ♪ 605 00:29:39,212 --> 00:29:42,171 Two at a time? 606 00:29:42,215 --> 00:29:44,130 That wimp? 607 00:29:44,173 --> 00:29:45,218 Nah. 608 00:29:45,261 --> 00:29:46,567 Tony: Care for a drink? 609 00:29:46,610 --> 00:29:47,960 Stephanie: Sure. 610 00:29:48,003 --> 00:29:49,613 I'll take a vodka martini, 611 00:29:49,657 --> 00:29:52,007 very dry, on the rocks, with two olives. 612 00:29:52,051 --> 00:29:53,487 Yeah. 613 00:29:53,530 --> 00:29:56,577 ♪ Closer than you've ever been ♪ 614 00:29:57,883 --> 00:30:00,450 ♪ My head's in the clouds 615 00:30:00,494 --> 00:30:03,453 ♪ I can't pretend 616 00:30:03,497 --> 00:30:08,894 ♪ That fear of flying's here again ♪ 617 00:30:08,937 --> 00:30:09,938 - ♪ Don't you know... -Here-- 618 00:30:09,982 --> 00:30:11,200 - oh! - Oh! 619 00:30:11,244 --> 00:30:13,159 I'm sorry. Oh, jeez. 620 00:30:13,202 --> 00:30:15,683 - No, no damage done. - Oh, I'm sorry. 621 00:30:15,726 --> 00:30:17,032 I think I'll just take this off 622 00:30:17,076 --> 00:30:19,339 and let it dry a bit, though. 623 00:30:21,471 --> 00:30:23,865 ♪ Just keep that set of lips ♪ 624 00:30:23,909 --> 00:30:26,868 ♪ Right in front of my eyes ♪ 625 00:30:26,912 --> 00:30:29,479 ♪ And we'll send that fear of flying ♪ 626 00:30:29,523 --> 00:30:33,440 ♪ To the sky 627 00:30:34,789 --> 00:30:36,269 - Care to dance? - Sure. 628 00:30:41,578 --> 00:30:46,453 ♪ That sense of magic's here again ♪ 629 00:30:46,496 --> 00:30:47,933 [ gasps ] 630 00:30:47,976 --> 00:30:52,241 ♪ You prey on any type of friend... ♪ 631 00:30:52,285 --> 00:30:53,895 Hey, watch it! 632 00:30:53,939 --> 00:30:55,766 Would you excuse me for a minute? 633 00:30:55,810 --> 00:30:57,333 Sure. 634 00:30:59,248 --> 00:31:04,906 ♪ I'd say that chance is one to 10 ♪ 635 00:31:04,950 --> 00:31:10,694 ♪ Your kisses throw me now and then ♪ 636 00:31:10,738 --> 00:31:12,958 ♪ You're closer 637 00:31:13,001 --> 00:31:15,047 - Stephanie. - ♪ Than you've ever been... ♪ 638 00:31:15,090 --> 00:31:16,222 Stephanie? 639 00:31:16,265 --> 00:31:18,789 Tony, over here. 640 00:31:18,833 --> 00:31:20,269 You want another drink? 641 00:31:20,313 --> 00:31:23,011 No. Why don't you come over here, Tony? 642 00:31:23,055 --> 00:31:24,665 Take your clothes off and join me. 643 00:31:24,708 --> 00:31:27,233 Yeah. Sure. 644 00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:35,850 [ coughs ] 645 00:31:47,035 --> 00:31:47,993 [ blows ] 646 00:31:57,872 --> 00:31:58,917 - [ stereo shuts off ] - [ chuckles ] 647 00:32:06,881 --> 00:32:08,056 Yeah. 648 00:32:10,798 --> 00:32:12,408 Are you sure you don't want another drink? 649 00:32:12,452 --> 00:32:14,541 No, Tony. 650 00:32:14,584 --> 00:32:17,239 Why don't you just shut up and kiss me? 651 00:32:21,461 --> 00:32:23,767 [ Stephanie laughing ] 652 00:32:32,515 --> 00:32:33,995 Man: Stephanie! 653 00:32:34,039 --> 00:32:34,953 Homer? 654 00:32:36,867 --> 00:32:38,217 Oh, my God! 655 00:32:38,260 --> 00:32:39,435 [ pounding ] 656 00:32:46,442 --> 00:32:48,009 Tony: Who are you? 657 00:32:48,053 --> 00:32:50,229 I'm her husband, you nerd. 658 00:32:50,272 --> 00:32:51,621 Tony: Husband? 659 00:32:51,665 --> 00:32:53,275 Let me explain! 660 00:32:53,319 --> 00:32:54,929 It's not what you think! 661 00:32:54,973 --> 00:32:56,496 Keep out of this, asshole. 662 00:32:56,539 --> 00:32:58,367 My score's with her. 663 00:32:58,411 --> 00:33:01,370 So you want to mess around, huh? 664 00:33:01,414 --> 00:33:05,287 You ain't getting enough at home? 665 00:33:05,331 --> 00:33:08,290 Well, I'll show you, baby. 666 00:33:08,334 --> 00:33:10,249 Show me what? 667 00:33:10,292 --> 00:33:12,338 I'll show you what I got. 668 00:33:12,381 --> 00:33:14,688 Call me "man." 669 00:33:14,731 --> 00:33:16,124 If you're such a man, 670 00:33:16,168 --> 00:33:18,126 what the hell am I doing here? 671 00:33:18,170 --> 00:33:20,172 I'll show you, baby. 672 00:33:20,215 --> 00:33:22,000 I'll show you how a real man does it. 673 00:33:22,043 --> 00:33:23,479 Anyone care for a drink? 674 00:33:23,523 --> 00:33:24,654 - Shut up! - Shut up! 675 00:33:24,698 --> 00:33:26,569 [ both moaning ] 676 00:33:31,052 --> 00:33:32,880 Ah, you call that a kiss? 677 00:33:32,923 --> 00:33:34,360 Come here, baby. You want a kiss? 678 00:33:34,403 --> 00:33:36,057 [ moaning ] 679 00:33:41,976 --> 00:33:44,805 Ooh. Now I'd call that a kiss. 680 00:33:44,848 --> 00:33:46,633 - Come here. - Kiss me again. 681 00:33:47,982 --> 00:33:49,288 Stephanie: Show me what else 682 00:33:49,331 --> 00:33:51,333 you got, you man, you. 683 00:33:55,598 --> 00:33:58,123 How's that on a scale of one to 10? 684 00:33:58,166 --> 00:34:00,429 A definite 12. 685 00:34:00,473 --> 00:34:02,779 - [ mouths word ] - [ both moaning ] 686 00:34:06,566 --> 00:34:08,263 Yes. 687 00:34:08,307 --> 00:34:09,438 Sex. 688 00:34:09,482 --> 00:34:11,310 Of course. 689 00:34:11,353 --> 00:34:13,442 Sex. 690 00:34:13,486 --> 00:34:16,402 A kid from... 691 00:34:17,838 --> 00:34:19,405 ...New Jersey 692 00:34:19,448 --> 00:34:21,059 rents an apartment. 693 00:34:21,102 --> 00:34:23,322 Stephanie: You macho man, you. 694 00:34:23,365 --> 00:34:25,976 Yeah. He turns it into a... 695 00:34:28,718 --> 00:34:30,285 ...swinger's pad. 696 00:34:30,329 --> 00:34:32,113 The... 697 00:34:32,157 --> 00:34:35,116 the New Jersey Casanova. 698 00:34:35,160 --> 00:34:36,465 Ha! 699 00:34:36,509 --> 00:34:38,163 Book: Don't be disappointed 700 00:34:38,206 --> 00:34:40,600 if at first you don't succeed. 701 00:34:40,643 --> 00:34:42,515 Watch. Take notes. 702 00:34:42,558 --> 00:34:44,125 Don't worry. 703 00:34:44,169 --> 00:34:47,433 You'll be the one on that bed next time. 704 00:34:47,476 --> 00:34:49,217 Yeah, next time when? 705 00:34:49,261 --> 00:34:51,045 Have patience. 706 00:34:53,134 --> 00:34:55,919 Do it again, my man. 707 00:34:55,963 --> 00:34:57,530 Not again. 708 00:34:57,573 --> 00:34:58,966 - Shut up! - Shut up! 709 00:34:59,009 --> 00:35:00,707 [ moaning ] 710 00:35:00,750 --> 00:35:03,144 Fran: And when the husband breaks in, 711 00:35:03,188 --> 00:35:05,233 it's hysterical. 712 00:35:05,277 --> 00:35:07,496 [ sighs ] To tell you the truth, Donald, 713 00:35:07,540 --> 00:35:10,064 I didn't think you had it in you. 714 00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:12,371 Now, just where did you get the idea 715 00:35:12,414 --> 00:35:15,025 for this New Jersey Casanova story? 716 00:35:15,069 --> 00:35:18,028 Oh, well, I just came up-- 717 00:35:18,072 --> 00:35:22,076 Fran, this is for $4,000. 718 00:35:23,382 --> 00:35:26,167 $4,000. 719 00:35:26,211 --> 00:35:27,995 It's only the beginning, Donald. 720 00:35:28,038 --> 00:35:29,649 Are you serious? 721 00:35:29,692 --> 00:35:31,781 Now hear this. 722 00:35:31,825 --> 00:35:34,262 "Playhouse" magazine wants you to do 723 00:35:34,306 --> 00:35:36,177 a 10-part series entitled 724 00:35:36,221 --> 00:35:37,787 "The X-rated Adventures 725 00:35:37,831 --> 00:35:39,180 of the 'New Jersey Casanova.'" 726 00:35:39,224 --> 00:35:40,790 Well, of course I told them 727 00:35:40,834 --> 00:35:42,618 my client was too busy finishing up a novel 728 00:35:42,662 --> 00:35:44,925 and couldn't possibly take on such an assignment. 729 00:35:44,968 --> 00:35:47,101 They offered to double the amount per segment. 730 00:35:47,145 --> 00:35:48,972 - Tell me. - I said no. 731 00:35:49,016 --> 00:35:51,192 You said what? 732 00:35:51,236 --> 00:35:52,715 We got triple. 733 00:35:52,759 --> 00:35:54,108 Triple? 734 00:35:54,152 --> 00:35:56,676 We have triple on a 10-part series? 735 00:35:56,719 --> 00:35:58,417 Do you know how much mon-- 736 00:35:58,460 --> 00:36:00,245 triple. Waiter! 737 00:36:00,288 --> 00:36:01,985 Your finest champagne. Quick! 738 00:36:03,987 --> 00:36:06,207 I took the liberty of ordering earlier. 739 00:36:09,906 --> 00:36:11,604 To the next 10. 740 00:36:11,647 --> 00:36:14,259 To the next 10. 741 00:36:14,302 --> 00:36:16,565 What? What's the matter, Donald? 742 00:36:16,609 --> 00:36:17,784 Nothing. Nothing. 743 00:36:17,827 --> 00:36:19,133 To the next 10. 744 00:36:23,877 --> 00:36:25,226 Book: Ahem! 745 00:36:25,270 --> 00:36:27,228 Under no circumstances 746 00:36:27,272 --> 00:36:29,187 give your apartment key to your mother. 747 00:36:29,230 --> 00:36:31,232 Christina, eat. 748 00:36:31,276 --> 00:36:33,191 Ralph'll honk when he honks. 749 00:36:36,106 --> 00:36:38,979 Tony, you're looking so thin. 750 00:36:39,022 --> 00:36:41,068 He looks the same to me, Ma. 751 00:36:41,111 --> 00:36:43,375 Haven't you been eating? 752 00:36:43,418 --> 00:36:45,594 Here. Have some more of my homemade spaghetti. 753 00:36:45,638 --> 00:36:47,030 All right. 754 00:36:47,074 --> 00:36:49,859 Now, Tony... 755 00:36:49,903 --> 00:36:52,601 who's the one that's most concerned about you? 756 00:36:52,645 --> 00:36:54,951 You, Ma. 757 00:36:54,995 --> 00:36:57,171 And who's the one that's most concerned 758 00:36:57,215 --> 00:36:58,825 about your safety and well-being? 759 00:36:58,868 --> 00:37:00,740 [ sighs ] You, Ma. 760 00:37:00,783 --> 00:37:02,350 That's right. 761 00:37:02,394 --> 00:37:04,483 And that's why I think 762 00:37:04,526 --> 00:37:07,486 I should have an extra key to your apartment. 763 00:37:07,529 --> 00:37:10,489 Louise, don't badger the boy! 764 00:37:10,532 --> 00:37:13,448 I'm not badgering him. 765 00:37:13,492 --> 00:37:15,798 I'm only concerned about his health. 766 00:37:15,842 --> 00:37:17,322 What if he should get sick 767 00:37:17,365 --> 00:37:18,975 or have a heart attack, 768 00:37:19,019 --> 00:37:20,977 or, worse yet, what if some degenerate 769 00:37:21,021 --> 00:37:22,631 should break in and attack him? 770 00:37:22,675 --> 00:37:24,285 How's anybody going to know? 771 00:37:24,329 --> 00:37:26,026 How's anybody going to get in? 772 00:37:26,069 --> 00:37:27,419 Ask the super for the key. 773 00:37:27,462 --> 00:37:28,898 Shut up, Christina! 774 00:37:28,942 --> 00:37:31,814 I'm worried sick. 775 00:37:31,858 --> 00:37:33,947 But, Ma, the only reason I got the place 776 00:37:33,990 --> 00:37:35,992 - was so I-- - Tony. 777 00:37:37,603 --> 00:37:40,258 Tony. 778 00:37:40,301 --> 00:37:41,781 All right, Ma. 779 00:37:43,957 --> 00:37:45,263 You can have the key. 780 00:37:49,005 --> 00:37:51,051 I'm going to hang it right here, 781 00:37:51,094 --> 00:37:53,358 where it's going to be nice and safe. 782 00:37:56,404 --> 00:37:57,710 I thought you said you had a place. 783 00:37:59,973 --> 00:38:01,670 I did. This is it. 784 00:38:01,714 --> 00:38:03,324 This is not what I envisioned 785 00:38:03,368 --> 00:38:04,673 when you said I should see stars. 786 00:38:04,717 --> 00:38:06,066 Oh! [ winces ] 787 00:38:06,109 --> 00:38:07,720 Shoot! 788 00:38:07,763 --> 00:38:09,635 [ groans ] 789 00:38:12,159 --> 00:38:13,856 Put the blanket over there. 790 00:38:13,900 --> 00:38:15,336 How's this? 791 00:38:15,380 --> 00:38:17,033 Great. 792 00:38:17,077 --> 00:38:18,644 Let's get naked, Ralph. 793 00:38:18,687 --> 00:38:20,254 Oh, Ralph, 794 00:38:20,298 --> 00:38:22,517 those muscles are so sexy. 795 00:38:22,561 --> 00:38:24,302 Oh, Ralph, Ralph, 796 00:38:24,345 --> 00:38:26,216 can I touch your muscle? 797 00:38:26,260 --> 00:38:28,175 Ralph, can I touch your muscle? 798 00:38:28,218 --> 00:38:31,526 Ooh. [ gasps ] 799 00:38:31,570 --> 00:38:33,572 - [ slaps ] - Christina: What's that? 800 00:38:33,615 --> 00:38:35,835 Nothing, just slapped a couple mosquitoes dead. 801 00:38:35,878 --> 00:38:38,794 - [ slapping ] - Christina: Ooh. 802 00:38:38,838 --> 00:38:40,187 A couple? 803 00:38:40,230 --> 00:38:42,102 [ slapping continues ] 804 00:38:42,145 --> 00:38:44,409 You meant a couple thousand, didn't you? 805 00:38:44,452 --> 00:38:47,368 [ gasping ] Oh! 806 00:38:47,412 --> 00:38:50,153 Ralph, let's get out of here! Come on! 807 00:38:50,197 --> 00:38:52,852 Ralph, hurry! 808 00:38:52,895 --> 00:38:54,375 I can't find my keys. 809 00:38:54,419 --> 00:38:56,246 Oh, Ralph! 810 00:38:56,290 --> 00:38:59,119 Oh, hunky jock or no hunky jock, 811 00:38:59,162 --> 00:39:00,642 you better find us a place. 812 00:39:00,686 --> 00:39:02,601 Now find those keys. 813 00:39:02,644 --> 00:39:04,385 Oh! 814 00:39:04,429 --> 00:39:06,474 Ralph! 815 00:39:06,518 --> 00:39:08,171 Ouch! 816 00:39:08,215 --> 00:39:11,261 Book: Getting women to take notice of you 817 00:39:11,305 --> 00:39:15,004 is always easier if you meet them on their own turf. 818 00:39:15,048 --> 00:39:16,963 On your days off, 819 00:39:17,006 --> 00:39:19,139 stalk the supermarket aisles, 820 00:39:19,182 --> 00:39:21,446 slink through the women's clothes sections 821 00:39:21,489 --> 00:39:23,317 of department stores, 822 00:39:23,361 --> 00:39:25,101 and seek them out at their watering holes, 823 00:39:25,145 --> 00:39:27,408 the Laundromat. 824 00:39:27,452 --> 00:39:29,410 You'll be surprised at the number 825 00:39:29,454 --> 00:39:31,151 of available women out there 826 00:39:31,194 --> 00:39:33,371 who'd jump at an opportunity 827 00:39:33,414 --> 00:39:35,503 to follow you back to your lair 828 00:39:35,547 --> 00:39:39,507 for an afternoon of uncontrolled passion. 829 00:39:39,551 --> 00:39:40,943 Hi. 830 00:39:40,987 --> 00:39:42,554 Do I know you? 831 00:39:42,597 --> 00:39:44,904 I'm your neighbor. Remember the sofa? 832 00:39:44,947 --> 00:39:46,296 Name's Tony, remember? 833 00:39:46,340 --> 00:39:47,907 Oh, yeah. Hi. 834 00:39:47,950 --> 00:39:50,344 Excuse me. 835 00:39:50,388 --> 00:39:53,086 You know, it seems like you're always in my way. 836 00:39:53,129 --> 00:39:55,175 Oh, yeah. Sorry. 837 00:39:55,218 --> 00:39:56,568 Hey, what's your name? 838 00:39:56,611 --> 00:39:57,873 Corrinne. 839 00:39:57,917 --> 00:39:58,570 Corrinne. 840 00:40:00,963 --> 00:40:03,183 Tony! Tony! 841 00:40:03,226 --> 00:40:05,490 I'm sorry. I don't remember. 842 00:40:05,533 --> 00:40:06,882 What did you say your name was? 843 00:40:06,926 --> 00:40:08,493 Corinne! 844 00:40:08,536 --> 00:40:10,538 Ah, yes, Corinne. 845 00:40:10,582 --> 00:40:12,758 [ shrieks ] 846 00:40:20,026 --> 00:40:22,071 Excuse me. Is this washer being used? 847 00:40:22,115 --> 00:40:24,596 Yes, it is. I'm sorry. 848 00:40:24,639 --> 00:40:25,945 Don't be sorry. 849 00:40:40,176 --> 00:40:41,874 - Hi. I'm Bunny. - Hi. 850 00:40:41,917 --> 00:40:43,615 You're new around here, aren't you? 851 00:40:43,658 --> 00:40:46,792 Don't tell me. You are. I can tell. 852 00:40:46,835 --> 00:40:50,535 You just have that brand-new look about you. 853 00:40:50,578 --> 00:40:52,493 This is my favorite machine, 854 00:40:52,537 --> 00:40:54,147 number 14. 855 00:40:54,190 --> 00:40:55,757 It's also my lucky number. 856 00:40:55,801 --> 00:40:57,890 I'm so glad you didn't use it, 857 00:40:57,933 --> 00:40:59,979 because then I'd have to use another machine, 858 00:41:00,022 --> 00:41:01,807 like number five. 859 00:41:01,850 --> 00:41:03,461 I used it last August 860 00:41:03,504 --> 00:41:05,027 when this little old lady named Bertha 861 00:41:05,071 --> 00:41:06,725 came in and used number 14, 862 00:41:06,768 --> 00:41:08,378 and, well, it broke down 863 00:41:08,422 --> 00:41:10,511 right in the middle of the soak cycle. 864 00:41:10,555 --> 00:41:12,252 I started to cry, and I looked 865 00:41:12,295 --> 00:41:14,080 all over for another machine, 866 00:41:14,123 --> 00:41:15,734 but there wasn't one empty, 867 00:41:15,777 --> 00:41:17,518 so I had to wait 32 minutes 868 00:41:17,562 --> 00:41:19,520 for another machine to be empty, 869 00:41:19,564 --> 00:41:21,740 and then I carried all my laundry, 870 00:41:21,783 --> 00:41:23,481 and they were soaking, dripping 871 00:41:23,524 --> 00:41:25,483 with water and soapsuds, 872 00:41:25,526 --> 00:41:27,267 and I had to carry them all the way 873 00:41:27,310 --> 00:41:30,009 over there to number 23. 874 00:41:30,052 --> 00:41:32,054 What did you say your name was? 875 00:41:32,098 --> 00:41:34,404 - Tony. Tony Can-- - I knew a Tony once. 876 00:41:34,448 --> 00:41:37,103 Or was it Bony? Whichever. 877 00:41:37,146 --> 00:41:38,670 He was so weird. 878 00:41:38,713 --> 00:41:41,324 I fixed him tacos for dinner one night, 879 00:41:41,368 --> 00:41:44,023 and he wanted to stick 'em between my... 880 00:41:45,372 --> 00:41:49,202 Book: Women love to talk. 881 00:41:49,245 --> 00:41:52,161 Be a patient listener. 882 00:41:52,205 --> 00:41:55,164 That big mouth of hers has several other uses, 883 00:41:55,208 --> 00:41:57,906 one of which should become apparent quite soon. 884 00:41:57,950 --> 00:41:59,342 Right. 885 00:42:07,916 --> 00:42:10,223 [ jazz playing ] 886 00:42:19,275 --> 00:42:22,191 [ phone rings ] 887 00:42:23,541 --> 00:42:24,498 Hello. 888 00:42:24,542 --> 00:42:25,891 Woman: Hi. 889 00:42:25,934 --> 00:42:28,110 Who is this? 890 00:42:28,154 --> 00:42:29,982 Is there something I can do for you? 891 00:42:30,025 --> 00:42:31,505 I just wanted to hear your voice. 892 00:42:31,549 --> 00:42:33,115 It's been so long. 893 00:42:33,159 --> 00:42:36,118 [ chuckles ] 894 00:42:36,162 --> 00:42:38,904 What kind of music do you enjoy, Tony? 895 00:42:38,947 --> 00:42:40,296 Who is this? 896 00:42:40,340 --> 00:42:41,994 How do you know my name? 897 00:42:42,037 --> 00:42:43,299 Vivaldi? 898 00:42:43,343 --> 00:42:44,779 Vivaldi? 899 00:42:44,823 --> 00:42:46,433 No, not me. 900 00:42:46,476 --> 00:42:47,956 That's my favorite composer. 901 00:42:48,000 --> 00:42:50,176 His melodies blend so well 902 00:42:50,219 --> 00:42:51,960 over a candlelight dinner. 903 00:42:52,004 --> 00:42:53,614 Do you enjoy French? 904 00:42:53,658 --> 00:42:56,269 Yeah, French, Greek, you name it. 905 00:42:56,312 --> 00:42:59,620 French cuisine, silly. 906 00:42:59,664 --> 00:43:02,492 Are you from a radio show or something? 907 00:43:02,536 --> 00:43:04,843 No. You're so cute, Tony. 908 00:43:04,886 --> 00:43:06,105 Bye. 909 00:43:06,148 --> 00:43:07,236 - [ click ] - Hello? 910 00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:08,803 Hello? 911 00:43:11,589 --> 00:43:13,155 Give me a minute. 912 00:43:14,853 --> 00:43:16,463 Hi. I'm Bunny. 913 00:43:16,506 --> 00:43:18,204 This is a very nice hallway you-- 914 00:43:25,646 --> 00:43:28,606 I thought I'd never find this place. 915 00:43:28,649 --> 00:43:31,304 You know, I get lost so easy. 916 00:43:31,347 --> 00:43:32,914 Come in, Bunny. 917 00:43:32,958 --> 00:43:34,307 I am in. 918 00:43:34,350 --> 00:43:36,657 You're funny, Tony. 919 00:43:36,701 --> 00:43:38,572 You know, one time I went to visit 920 00:43:38,616 --> 00:43:39,965 my aunt on my mother's side, 921 00:43:40,008 --> 00:43:43,664 and I got lost for nine hours and 10 minutes. 922 00:43:43,708 --> 00:43:45,710 First, I took the wrong turn. 923 00:43:45,753 --> 00:43:48,495 Then of course I was following the wrong road signs. 924 00:43:48,538 --> 00:43:51,411 It took me five hours to realize 925 00:43:51,454 --> 00:43:54,153 that I was reading the darn road map backwards. 926 00:43:54,196 --> 00:43:56,721 Two weeks. He's been there two weeks. 927 00:43:56,764 --> 00:43:59,027 Can you imagine the dust balls? 928 00:43:59,071 --> 00:44:00,942 [ chuckles ] They're as big as grapefruits. 929 00:44:00,986 --> 00:44:02,683 And the toilet bowl. [ scoffs ] 930 00:44:02,727 --> 00:44:05,425 I don't even want to think about the toilet bowl. 931 00:44:05,468 --> 00:44:07,557 Boy, that place. 932 00:44:07,601 --> 00:44:09,559 Christina, wish me good luck. 933 00:44:09,603 --> 00:44:11,170 I'm off to do battle. 934 00:44:11,213 --> 00:44:12,519 Good luck, Ma. 935 00:44:22,398 --> 00:44:24,574 Come on, Tony. If you're there, pick it up. 936 00:44:27,012 --> 00:44:28,448 Rats. 937 00:44:28,491 --> 00:44:30,755 [ woman vocalizing ] 938 00:44:35,977 --> 00:44:37,587 My aunt had called the police, 939 00:44:37,631 --> 00:44:39,851 and by the time I finally arrived, 940 00:44:39,894 --> 00:44:42,636 there were probably eight police cars in the driveway. 941 00:44:42,680 --> 00:44:45,117 I said, "Oh, my God, 942 00:44:45,160 --> 00:44:47,554 someone must have been murdered." 943 00:44:47,597 --> 00:44:50,557 [ gasps ] What a beautiful place you have here, 944 00:44:50,600 --> 00:44:54,126 just like a hotel room at the MGM Grand. 945 00:44:54,169 --> 00:44:56,694 And look at your little sofa. 946 00:44:56,737 --> 00:44:58,783 My mother has this sofa. 947 00:44:58,826 --> 00:45:01,350 It doesn't look anything like yours, though. 948 00:45:01,394 --> 00:45:04,353 She has it covered in this rose-colored plastic. 949 00:45:04,397 --> 00:45:06,704 In the summer, when you're all hot and sticky 950 00:45:06,747 --> 00:45:09,054 from the humidity and you sit down, 951 00:45:09,097 --> 00:45:10,708 you can hardly get up 952 00:45:10,751 --> 00:45:12,579 because your behind sticks to it, 953 00:45:12,622 --> 00:45:14,537 right through to your underwear. 954 00:45:14,581 --> 00:45:16,148 Can you imagine? 955 00:45:16,191 --> 00:45:18,759 - Care for a drink? - Oh, I'd love a drink. 956 00:45:18,803 --> 00:45:21,544 Oh, I don't care. Anything will do. 957 00:45:21,588 --> 00:45:23,938 Vodka, whiskey, scotch, 958 00:45:23,982 --> 00:45:25,635 tequila, beer. 959 00:45:25,679 --> 00:45:27,725 Budweiser's a good beer. 960 00:45:27,768 --> 00:45:29,596 Though some say Coors is the best. 961 00:45:29,639 --> 00:45:31,380 I really don't know. 962 00:45:31,424 --> 00:45:34,383 Beer makes me want to go to the bathroom an awful lot. 963 00:45:34,427 --> 00:45:36,385 I just can't stay seated. 964 00:45:36,429 --> 00:45:38,823 And you know what they say about gin. 965 00:45:38,866 --> 00:45:40,781 A couple sips of gin 966 00:45:40,825 --> 00:45:42,130 makes you want to sin. 967 00:45:42,174 --> 00:45:44,002 Gin it is. 968 00:45:44,045 --> 00:45:46,047 Goodness, we've been standing an awful lot. 969 00:45:46,091 --> 00:45:48,615 You know, they say if you stand too much, 970 00:45:48,658 --> 00:45:49,964 it's not good for your veins. 971 00:45:50,008 --> 00:45:51,313 Here you go. 972 00:45:53,272 --> 00:45:54,534 Cheers. 973 00:45:54,577 --> 00:45:56,101 I read in a medical manual once 974 00:45:56,144 --> 00:45:58,625 that you can get varicose veins in your legs, 975 00:45:58,668 --> 00:46:01,106 but I don't know if that's true or not. 976 00:46:01,149 --> 00:46:02,890 Take joggers, for instance, 977 00:46:02,934 --> 00:46:04,979 or football players. 978 00:46:05,023 --> 00:46:07,634 They never seem to have varicose veins in their legs. 979 00:46:07,677 --> 00:46:09,244 But then again, 980 00:46:09,288 --> 00:46:11,377 I guess I just never looked close enough. 981 00:46:12,639 --> 00:46:14,206 How 'bout a movie? 982 00:46:14,249 --> 00:46:16,991 Oh, goody. X-rated films. 983 00:46:17,035 --> 00:46:18,819 I love X-rated films. 984 00:46:18,863 --> 00:46:20,908 I know this girl who used to work 985 00:46:20,952 --> 00:46:22,562 in the beauty shop I go to. 986 00:46:22,605 --> 00:46:24,216 She wasn't very good. 987 00:46:24,259 --> 00:46:26,348 Anyway, she told me 988 00:46:26,392 --> 00:46:28,133 she dated a porn star once. 989 00:46:28,176 --> 00:46:29,525 I didn't believe her, 990 00:46:29,569 --> 00:46:31,179 but then she convinced me. 991 00:46:31,223 --> 00:46:33,181 You know what she said? 992 00:46:33,225 --> 00:46:36,184 She said he was the one with the... 993 00:46:36,228 --> 00:46:38,186 But when they got home, 994 00:46:38,230 --> 00:46:39,971 it was only... 995 00:46:40,014 --> 00:46:42,974 They must use some kind of trick photography 996 00:46:43,017 --> 00:46:45,237 when they make those kind of movies. 997 00:46:45,280 --> 00:46:47,587 [ woman vocalizing ] 998 00:47:03,908 --> 00:47:05,910 Oh! 999 00:47:05,953 --> 00:47:08,173 She's wearing panties just like mine! 1000 00:47:10,175 --> 00:47:11,306 See? 1001 00:47:11,350 --> 00:47:13,961 Same brand, even. 1002 00:47:14,005 --> 00:47:16,964 [ gasps ] Isn't it a small world? 1003 00:47:17,008 --> 00:47:18,879 I have panties 1004 00:47:18,923 --> 00:47:21,577 for every one of my little moods. 1005 00:47:21,621 --> 00:47:25,233 Blue panties for when I feel sad. 1006 00:47:25,277 --> 00:47:27,932 Yellow panties for when I'm happy 1007 00:47:27,975 --> 00:47:29,890 and full of sunshine. 1008 00:47:29,934 --> 00:47:32,066 Green panties when I have 1009 00:47:32,110 --> 00:47:35,069 a tinge of jealousy streaking through me. 1010 00:47:35,113 --> 00:47:37,680 White panties when I feel pure 1011 00:47:37,724 --> 00:47:39,682 and innocent like a virgin. 1012 00:47:39,726 --> 00:47:42,511 Pink panties when I feel sexy, 1013 00:47:42,555 --> 00:47:44,470 and red-hot panties 1014 00:47:44,513 --> 00:47:47,473 when I feel red-hot. 1015 00:47:47,516 --> 00:47:49,910 [ gasps ] Oh, a Murphy bed! 1016 00:47:49,954 --> 00:47:52,695 And I love Murphy beds! 1017 00:47:52,739 --> 00:47:55,437 They're so cute the way they fold up into the wall. 1018 00:47:55,481 --> 00:47:57,918 I just remembered 1019 00:47:57,962 --> 00:48:00,486 I haven't folded my laundry yet. 1020 00:48:00,529 --> 00:48:02,096 Later. Fold your laundry later. 1021 00:48:02,140 --> 00:48:03,271 Oh! 1022 00:48:06,492 --> 00:48:08,842 Oh, Tony. 1023 00:48:08,886 --> 00:48:11,932 Tony, it's me, your mother. 1024 00:48:13,629 --> 00:48:16,110 Oh, my God. 1025 00:48:16,154 --> 00:48:17,111 Shit. 1026 00:48:17,155 --> 00:48:18,983 Oh, good, company. 1027 00:48:19,026 --> 00:48:20,723 I love company. 1028 00:48:20,767 --> 00:48:22,725 A little dinner party. 1029 00:48:22,769 --> 00:48:25,032 I can make some appetizers. 1030 00:48:25,076 --> 00:48:28,035 I make this wonderful peanut butter 1031 00:48:28,079 --> 00:48:29,950 cornflake cluster. You'll love it. 1032 00:48:29,994 --> 00:48:31,647 Just a minute, Ma. I'll be right there. 1033 00:48:31,691 --> 00:48:32,866 First you take the peanut butter, 1034 00:48:32,910 --> 00:48:34,607 about two pounds. 1035 00:48:34,650 --> 00:48:37,218 Then you add a pound of melted margarine, 1036 00:48:37,262 --> 00:48:38,872 not butter, 1037 00:48:38,916 --> 00:48:40,395 then a pound of sugar, 1038 00:48:40,439 --> 00:48:43,398 two boxes of cornflakes. 1039 00:48:43,442 --> 00:48:45,618 You have to add the cornflakes... 1040 00:48:49,056 --> 00:48:51,058 What good is this if you're going to chain yourself in? 1041 00:48:51,102 --> 00:48:52,625 Extra protection, Ma. 1042 00:48:52,668 --> 00:48:53,931 - Louise: You think? - [ muffled talking ] 1043 00:48:53,974 --> 00:48:55,193 Ma, what are you doing here? 1044 00:48:55,236 --> 00:48:56,977 I'm here to clean the apartment. 1045 00:48:57,021 --> 00:48:58,196 What are you doing here? 1046 00:48:58,239 --> 00:48:59,153 I live here. 1047 00:48:59,197 --> 00:49:00,981 Aha! 1048 00:49:01,025 --> 00:49:02,852 A dust ball. 1049 00:49:02,896 --> 00:49:04,506 Ma, I just cleaned yesterday. 1050 00:49:04,550 --> 00:49:07,118 What's this? 1051 00:49:07,161 --> 00:49:09,076 I was just about to hang those to dry. 1052 00:49:09,120 --> 00:49:10,860 - With soap on 'em? - Yeah, yeah. 1053 00:49:10,904 --> 00:49:12,862 Ma, you can't clean today. 1054 00:49:12,906 --> 00:49:14,690 Why not? 1055 00:49:14,734 --> 00:49:15,953 Uh... 1056 00:49:15,996 --> 00:49:17,302 You don't even hang up your phone? 1057 00:49:17,345 --> 00:49:19,521 What kind of slob did I raise, anyway? 1058 00:49:19,565 --> 00:49:21,654 [ phone rings ] 1059 00:49:21,697 --> 00:49:23,699 Hello. Yeah, he's-- 1060 00:49:23,743 --> 00:49:25,440 Christina, is that you? 1061 00:49:25,484 --> 00:49:26,876 [ muffled talking ] 1062 00:49:26,920 --> 00:49:28,487 Since when did you start calling 1063 00:49:28,530 --> 00:49:31,142 your brother in the afternoon? 1064 00:49:31,185 --> 00:49:33,535 Ah, just to say hi. 1065 00:49:33,579 --> 00:49:35,146 Isn't that nice? 1066 00:49:35,189 --> 00:49:36,799 Christina called just to say hi. 1067 00:49:36,843 --> 00:49:38,018 Isn't that nice, Tony? 1068 00:49:38,062 --> 00:49:39,411 Yeah, that's nice, Ma. 1069 00:49:39,454 --> 00:49:40,978 I'll see you in a little while, honey. 1070 00:49:41,021 --> 00:49:42,762 Okay. Bye-bye. 1071 00:49:42,805 --> 00:49:44,851 Ma, you can't clean today. 1072 00:49:44,894 --> 00:49:47,897 - Why not? - Uh... 1073 00:49:47,941 --> 00:49:49,247 I got a business meeting here. 1074 00:49:49,290 --> 00:49:51,336 - On Saturday? - Yeah. 1075 00:49:51,379 --> 00:49:53,512 What's that sound? 1076 00:49:53,555 --> 00:49:55,209 I don't hear any noise, Ma. 1077 00:49:55,253 --> 00:49:57,124 Sounds like somebody mumbling a dinner menu. 1078 00:49:57,168 --> 00:49:59,909 Oh, that? That's the super. 1079 00:49:59,953 --> 00:50:01,259 He's watching soap operas. 1080 00:50:01,302 --> 00:50:02,912 He loves them. He's always watching them. 1081 00:50:02,956 --> 00:50:04,958 Doesn't sound like any of my soaps. 1082 00:50:05,002 --> 00:50:06,046 Ma, this meeting's important. 1083 00:50:06,090 --> 00:50:07,352 They're going to be here any minute, 1084 00:50:07,395 --> 00:50:08,744 and I got to get ready! 1085 00:50:08,788 --> 00:50:10,355 And I'm not important! 1086 00:50:10,398 --> 00:50:12,009 Of course you are, Ma! 1087 00:50:12,052 --> 00:50:13,749 I come all the way into Manhattan, 1088 00:50:13,793 --> 00:50:16,013 take my life in my hands 1089 00:50:16,056 --> 00:50:17,623 to clean my son's apartment, 1090 00:50:17,666 --> 00:50:19,494 and what do I get? 1091 00:50:19,538 --> 00:50:21,757 I'll tell you what I get. I get a broken heart. 1092 00:50:21,801 --> 00:50:23,063 Ma! 1093 00:50:23,107 --> 00:50:25,022 You don't care if my heart's broken. 1094 00:50:25,065 --> 00:50:27,067 You bum! 1095 00:50:27,111 --> 00:50:28,677 All right, clean. Clean! 1096 00:50:28,721 --> 00:50:31,158 I can't clean now! I'm too upset! 1097 00:50:31,202 --> 00:50:33,160 If you don't hear from me in an hour, 1098 00:50:33,204 --> 00:50:34,814 it means I'm mugged! 1099 00:50:34,857 --> 00:50:35,945 - [ crying ] - Ma. 1100 00:50:38,644 --> 00:50:41,603 - Jeez. - [ muffled talking ] 1101 00:50:41,647 --> 00:50:44,084 - Oh, jeez. - Now I can't think about that yet. 1102 00:50:44,128 --> 00:50:46,826 Let me see. Oh, we need a vegetable. 1103 00:50:51,222 --> 00:50:53,224 Chicken Parmesan 1104 00:50:53,267 --> 00:50:56,009 with bubbling tomato sauce, 1105 00:50:56,053 --> 00:50:57,619 and for dessert, 1106 00:50:57,663 --> 00:50:59,926 Boston cream pie. 1107 00:51:12,895 --> 00:51:15,028 God, what's happened? 1108 00:51:17,074 --> 00:51:18,988 I can't hear. 1109 00:51:19,032 --> 00:51:20,294 I'm going deaf. 1110 00:51:22,079 --> 00:51:23,341 What's happening to me?! 1111 00:51:37,877 --> 00:51:41,010 Book: Now that you've succeeded in your first conquest-- 1112 00:51:41,054 --> 00:51:42,621 But I didn't. 1113 00:51:42,664 --> 00:51:44,057 You didn't? Really? 1114 00:51:44,101 --> 00:51:45,493 Really. 1115 00:51:45,537 --> 00:51:47,495 Let's review chapters one through five 1116 00:51:47,539 --> 00:51:50,194 - once again slowly. - Okay, okay. 1117 00:51:57,114 --> 00:51:58,680 What a lucky son of a bitch. 1118 00:52:03,729 --> 00:52:06,123 Miss Crenshaw, 1119 00:52:06,166 --> 00:52:07,167 could you come in here, please? 1120 00:52:12,520 --> 00:52:14,653 Miss Crenshaw, I have something for you. 1121 00:52:14,696 --> 00:52:16,263 - No. - What? 1122 00:52:16,307 --> 00:52:19,048 No, and that's final. 1123 00:52:19,092 --> 00:52:21,007 When you get us a fancy hotel room, 1124 00:52:21,050 --> 00:52:23,792 maybe I'll think about it, 1125 00:52:23,836 --> 00:52:25,054 and maybe I won't. 1126 00:52:28,362 --> 00:52:31,713 Oh, and about that thing you called a raise, 1127 00:52:31,757 --> 00:52:34,063 keep it, you tightwad. 1128 00:52:36,675 --> 00:52:39,634 Come on, Ralph. Don't your parents ever go out? 1129 00:52:39,678 --> 00:52:42,246 Oh, Ralph, what are we going to do? 1130 00:52:43,899 --> 00:52:45,727 Ralph. 1131 00:52:45,771 --> 00:52:48,295 Book: Hunger and lust 1132 00:52:48,339 --> 00:52:50,297 are the two most important elements 1133 00:52:50,341 --> 00:52:52,125 to man's and woman's survival. 1134 00:52:52,169 --> 00:52:53,866 Often, the female's appetite 1135 00:52:53,909 --> 00:52:56,042 must be satisfied before she can become 1136 00:52:56,085 --> 00:52:58,784 that wildly lustful animal you want her to be. 1137 00:52:58,827 --> 00:53:01,352 You can always tell how sexual a woman will be 1138 00:53:01,395 --> 00:53:03,223 by the way she eats. 1139 00:53:03,267 --> 00:53:05,399 The heartier her desires for food, 1140 00:53:05,443 --> 00:53:07,053 the more insatiable 1141 00:53:07,096 --> 00:53:09,229 her needs for orgasmic fulfillment. 1142 00:53:09,273 --> 00:53:10,578 And from the Hollywood Hotline 1143 00:53:10,622 --> 00:53:12,232 comes this exclusive tidbit. 1144 00:53:12,276 --> 00:53:14,582 "Playhouse" magazine's sizzling new serial 1145 00:53:14,626 --> 00:53:16,628 entitled "The X-rated Adventures 1146 00:53:16,671 --> 00:53:18,630 of a 'New Jersey Casanova,'" is creating 1147 00:53:18,673 --> 00:53:20,936 quite a stir amongst the majors. 1148 00:53:20,980 --> 00:53:23,939 Closed bids for the film rights to the sexual saga 1149 00:53:23,983 --> 00:53:25,941 are at this very moment being looked at 1150 00:53:25,985 --> 00:53:27,291 by "Playhouse" executives. 1151 00:53:27,334 --> 00:53:29,554 This reporter wonders whether this material 1152 00:53:29,597 --> 00:53:32,252 might be a little too hot for Tinseltown. 1153 00:53:32,296 --> 00:53:34,776 And who is this New Jersey Casanova? 1154 00:53:34,820 --> 00:53:36,256 Is he for real? 1155 00:53:36,300 --> 00:53:37,866 And if he is and he's watching, 1156 00:53:37,910 --> 00:53:39,346 I'm in the phone book. 1157 00:53:39,390 --> 00:53:41,522 That'll be 36.80. 1158 00:53:41,566 --> 00:53:44,046 Sounds like that ought to make some movie, huh? 1159 00:53:44,090 --> 00:53:45,570 Smut, nothing but smut. 1160 00:53:46,048 --> 00:53:48,007 [ stereo playing music ] 1161 00:53:48,050 --> 00:53:49,356 Book: All set? 1162 00:53:49,400 --> 00:53:50,792 - Think so. - Good. 1163 00:53:50,836 --> 00:53:52,185 - Yeah. - Now be sure to watch 1164 00:53:52,229 --> 00:53:54,013 for those telltale signs, 1165 00:53:54,056 --> 00:53:57,016 that sly smile, the subtle compliments, 1166 00:53:57,059 --> 00:53:59,497 and that erotic giggle. 1167 00:53:59,540 --> 00:54:00,628 [ chuckles ] Yeah. 1168 00:54:00,672 --> 00:54:01,629 [ knock on door ] 1169 00:54:01,673 --> 00:54:03,022 Oh, jeez. 1170 00:54:03,065 --> 00:54:05,111 - ♪ You prey - Okay. 1171 00:54:05,154 --> 00:54:08,506 ♪ On any type of friend 1172 00:54:08,549 --> 00:54:14,033 ♪ Could you fall for me once again? ♪ 1173 00:54:14,076 --> 00:54:15,382 How you doing, Monica? 1174 00:54:15,426 --> 00:54:17,819 Ah, not so good today. 1175 00:54:17,863 --> 00:54:19,517 I'm really beat. 1176 00:54:19,560 --> 00:54:21,693 Sorry to hear that. 1177 00:54:21,736 --> 00:54:22,563 Why don't you come on in? 1178 00:54:22,607 --> 00:54:24,043 Maybe I can fix you up. 1179 00:54:25,349 --> 00:54:26,785 Yeah. 1180 00:54:26,828 --> 00:54:31,224 ♪ You're closer than you've ever been ♪ 1181 00:54:31,268 --> 00:54:33,922 ♪ My head's in the clouds ♪ 1182 00:54:33,966 --> 00:54:37,317 ♪ I can't pretend 1183 00:54:37,361 --> 00:54:40,320 ♪ That fear of flying's here again ♪ 1184 00:54:40,364 --> 00:54:41,669 Wonder what he's up to. 1185 00:54:41,713 --> 00:54:43,323 - Pardon? - Nothing. 1186 00:54:43,367 --> 00:54:45,543 ♪ Don't you know that... 1187 00:54:45,586 --> 00:54:47,632 Can I take your fur? 1188 00:54:47,675 --> 00:54:48,937 Oh, no, I don't think so. 1189 00:54:48,981 --> 00:54:51,244 It's a little chilly in here. 1190 00:54:51,288 --> 00:54:52,854 I'll turn the thermostat up. 1191 00:54:52,898 --> 00:54:54,160 That ought to heat you right up. 1192 00:54:54,203 --> 00:54:56,467 Not over 72 degrees, please. 1193 00:54:56,510 --> 00:54:57,816 72 it is. 1194 00:55:01,385 --> 00:55:04,388 ♪ And we'll send that fear of flying ♪ 1195 00:55:04,431 --> 00:55:06,128 ♪ To the sky 1196 00:55:06,172 --> 00:55:08,087 Oh, no support. 1197 00:55:08,130 --> 00:55:09,697 Bad for the back. 1198 00:55:09,741 --> 00:55:12,178 Well, I just bought this the other day. 1199 00:55:12,221 --> 00:55:13,832 It's really kind of nice. 1200 00:55:13,875 --> 00:55:15,224 You don't mind, do you? 1201 00:55:15,268 --> 00:55:17,096 Not at all. 1202 00:55:17,139 --> 00:55:22,275 ♪ That sense of magic's here again... ♪ 1203 00:55:22,319 --> 00:55:23,624 Champagne? 1204 00:55:23,668 --> 00:55:26,627 Oh, no, thank you. 1205 00:55:26,671 --> 00:55:28,237 Do you have ginger? 1206 00:55:28,281 --> 00:55:30,501 Yeah. Sure. 1207 00:55:30,544 --> 00:55:33,678 ♪ Once again... 1208 00:55:33,721 --> 00:55:36,376 [ whistles a tune ] 1209 00:55:36,420 --> 00:55:37,943 There you go. 1210 00:55:37,986 --> 00:55:39,814 Well, I guess this glass will do. 1211 00:55:41,555 --> 00:55:42,991 Cheers. 1212 00:55:43,035 --> 00:55:45,516 ♪ Now and then 1213 00:55:45,559 --> 00:55:47,648 ♪ You're closer... 1214 00:55:47,692 --> 00:55:50,042 Monica, you look beautiful tonight. 1215 00:55:50,085 --> 00:55:52,436 [ chuckles ] I know. 1216 00:55:52,479 --> 00:55:55,221 So, care to dance? 1217 00:55:55,264 --> 00:55:57,049 Eh, no, not really. 1218 00:55:57,092 --> 00:55:59,617 I'm not in the mood. 1219 00:55:59,660 --> 00:56:01,923 Well, we might as well get right to eating, then, huh? 1220 00:56:01,967 --> 00:56:03,316 - What do you say? - [ yawns ] 1221 00:56:03,360 --> 00:56:05,405 Monica: If you want. 1222 00:56:05,449 --> 00:56:07,494 Are you sure I can't take your fur? 1223 00:56:07,538 --> 00:56:09,278 Oh, I'm sure. 1224 00:56:09,322 --> 00:56:14,588 ♪ Don't you know you got me through it once before? ♪ 1225 00:56:14,632 --> 00:56:17,286 ♪ Just keep that set of lips ♪ 1226 00:56:17,330 --> 00:56:20,507 ♪ Right here in front of my eyes ♪ 1227 00:56:20,551 --> 00:56:23,380 ♪ We'll send that fear of flying ♪ 1228 00:56:23,423 --> 00:56:27,166 ♪ To the sky 1229 00:56:27,209 --> 00:56:29,298 ♪ Don't you know that... 1230 00:56:29,342 --> 00:56:30,735 Oh, aren't you going to join me? 1231 00:56:30,778 --> 00:56:32,476 Yeah, sure. 1232 00:56:32,519 --> 00:56:35,783 ♪ Don't you know you got me through it ♪ 1233 00:56:35,827 --> 00:56:38,220 ♪ Through it once before? 1234 00:56:38,264 --> 00:56:39,744 ♪ Just keep that set of lips ♪ 1235 00:56:39,787 --> 00:56:41,267 Okay. 1236 00:56:41,310 --> 00:56:43,269 ♪ Right here in front of my eyes... ♪ 1237 00:56:43,312 --> 00:56:44,444 [ blows ] 1238 00:56:44,488 --> 00:56:46,925 Uses up too much oxygen. 1239 00:56:46,968 --> 00:56:48,535 ♪ To the sky. 1240 00:56:48,579 --> 00:56:50,798 Oh. Start right eating, then, huh? 1241 00:56:50,842 --> 00:56:53,714 We'll start with my specialty, 1242 00:56:53,758 --> 00:56:55,368 shrimp cocktail. 1243 00:56:55,412 --> 00:56:57,631 I make the sauce from an old family recipe. 1244 00:56:57,675 --> 00:56:59,546 You're going to love it. 1245 00:56:59,590 --> 00:57:03,376 Oh, shrimp cocktail. 1246 00:57:03,420 --> 00:57:05,073 I can't, Tony. 1247 00:57:05,117 --> 00:57:08,816 It's just loaded with cholesterol. 1248 00:57:08,860 --> 00:57:10,165 Sorry. 1249 00:57:10,209 --> 00:57:11,515 Guess I wasn't thinking. 1250 00:57:11,558 --> 00:57:13,995 Oh, that's okay. 1251 00:57:14,039 --> 00:57:16,520 Well, we'll move right on to the salad, then, huh? 1252 00:57:16,563 --> 00:57:18,217 What kind of dressing would you like? 1253 00:57:18,260 --> 00:57:19,784 I have spicy Italian, blue cheese, 1254 00:57:19,827 --> 00:57:21,438 Thousand Island. [ chuckles ] 1255 00:57:21,481 --> 00:57:23,788 Nothing. I'm on a diet. 1256 00:57:25,529 --> 00:57:27,792 Italian for me. 1257 00:57:27,835 --> 00:57:30,316 Nothing for Monica. 1258 00:57:31,883 --> 00:57:33,450 [ whistles ] 1259 00:57:36,235 --> 00:57:38,977 Oh. 1260 00:57:39,020 --> 00:57:40,761 That's... 1261 00:57:40,805 --> 00:57:43,155 endive. 1262 00:57:43,198 --> 00:57:46,898 And you don't eat endive. 1263 00:57:46,941 --> 00:57:48,987 I don't eat endive. 1264 00:57:52,860 --> 00:57:53,948 We'll move right to the entree, then. 1265 00:57:55,646 --> 00:57:56,951 [ dishes clatter ] 1266 00:58:06,004 --> 00:58:08,006 I'm sure you're going to like this. 1267 00:58:09,442 --> 00:58:11,096 It's... 1268 00:58:12,837 --> 00:58:14,447 it's raw. 1269 00:58:14,491 --> 00:58:16,449 It's supposed to be. 1270 00:58:16,493 --> 00:58:18,059 It's steak tartare. 1271 00:58:20,148 --> 00:58:22,586 Maybe you got a couple of hot dogs 1272 00:58:22,629 --> 00:58:23,935 and some ketchup? 1273 00:58:25,893 --> 00:58:27,504 Monica, may I ask you something? 1274 00:58:30,115 --> 00:58:31,812 Sure. What is it? 1275 00:58:31,856 --> 00:58:33,771 [ clears throat ] 1276 00:58:33,814 --> 00:58:37,165 Monica, you accept an invitation from me 1277 00:58:37,209 --> 00:58:38,950 to come to my apartment for dinner. 1278 00:58:38,993 --> 00:58:41,692 You walk in here complaining how tired you are. 1279 00:58:41,735 --> 00:58:44,042 You won't take off your fur because it's too chilly. 1280 00:58:44,085 --> 00:58:46,131 You don't want champagne. You're not in the mood to dance. 1281 00:58:46,174 --> 00:58:48,394 The appetizer's oozing cholesterol. 1282 00:58:48,437 --> 00:58:50,048 You hate the salad. The entree's too raw. 1283 00:58:50,091 --> 00:58:51,919 Then you ask-- then you ask me 1284 00:58:51,963 --> 00:58:53,486 for a couple of hot dogs with ketchup. 1285 00:58:53,530 --> 00:58:54,835 What's the matter with you, Monica? 1286 00:58:54,879 --> 00:58:56,271 Don't you like anything?! 1287 00:58:56,315 --> 00:58:57,882 Yes. 1288 00:58:57,925 --> 00:59:00,493 Well, what do you like? 1289 00:59:00,537 --> 00:59:02,234 Well... 1290 00:59:04,628 --> 00:59:06,543 ...I like to... [ tape squeals ] 1291 00:59:06,586 --> 00:59:08,632 W-What did you say? 1292 00:59:08,675 --> 00:59:10,285 You heard me. 1293 00:59:10,329 --> 00:59:12,461 No, I didn't. What did you say? 1294 00:59:12,505 --> 00:59:14,986 Well, there's only one little problem. 1295 00:59:15,029 --> 00:59:16,683 What? What's the problem? 1296 00:59:16,727 --> 00:59:18,598 I scream. 1297 00:59:18,642 --> 00:59:20,774 Tony: That's all right. I don't mind. 1298 00:59:20,818 --> 00:59:22,646 You don't mind what? 1299 00:59:22,689 --> 00:59:26,040 Oh, I'd like you to kiss my neck... 1300 00:59:26,084 --> 00:59:28,477 - Oh, yeah, yeah. - ...right here. 1301 00:59:28,521 --> 00:59:29,827 [ moans ] Ooh. 1302 00:59:29,870 --> 00:59:31,916 Boy, now two inches down. 1303 00:59:31,959 --> 00:59:34,005 Sure. Sure. 1304 00:59:34,048 --> 00:59:35,789 Oh. Oh. 1305 00:59:35,833 --> 00:59:37,182 [ chuckles ] And one inch over. 1306 00:59:37,225 --> 00:59:39,227 Yeah. 1307 00:59:39,271 --> 00:59:40,533 Oh. Ooh. 1308 00:59:40,577 --> 00:59:42,404 Now, can you kiss my ear? 1309 00:59:42,448 --> 00:59:43,710 Oh, you bet. 1310 00:59:45,494 --> 00:59:46,757 Oh, yes. 1311 00:59:46,800 --> 00:59:49,542 Now kiss my other ear. 1312 00:59:49,586 --> 00:59:51,196 Oh, no. No, no, no, no. 1313 00:59:51,239 --> 00:59:52,937 - Baby kisses. - Baby, baby, baby. 1314 00:59:52,980 --> 00:59:55,940 [ gasping ] 1315 00:59:55,983 --> 00:59:57,594 Yes, yes. 1316 00:59:57,637 --> 00:59:59,944 Now I want you to-- 1317 00:59:59,987 --> 01:00:01,641 I want you to kiss it. 1318 01:00:03,469 --> 01:00:05,036 Oh. Oh. 1319 01:00:05,079 --> 01:00:06,646 Oh, yes. 1320 01:00:06,690 --> 01:00:08,039 Now I want you 1321 01:00:08,082 --> 01:00:09,606 to kiss and lick this one. 1322 01:00:11,477 --> 01:00:14,132 [ gasping ] 1323 01:00:14,175 --> 01:00:16,874 Yes, now I want you to kiss 1324 01:00:16,917 --> 01:00:18,136 and lick this one. 1325 01:00:20,747 --> 01:00:22,401 Oh. Oh. 1326 01:00:22,444 --> 01:00:25,143 Yes. Oh. 1327 01:00:25,186 --> 01:00:26,884 Now I want you to kiss it 1328 01:00:26,927 --> 01:00:28,537 and then lick it. 1329 01:00:28,581 --> 01:00:30,539 [ gasping ] 1330 01:00:30,583 --> 01:00:33,499 [ moaning ] 1331 01:00:33,542 --> 01:00:35,109 Kiss it again. 1332 01:00:35,153 --> 01:00:36,633 - No, baby kisses. - Baby, baby. 1333 01:00:36,676 --> 01:00:38,243 Baby kisses. Oh! 1334 01:00:38,286 --> 01:00:40,288 Oh! Yes! 1335 01:00:40,332 --> 01:00:42,639 [ moaning ] 1336 01:00:42,682 --> 01:00:44,641 Oh! Hi. 1337 01:00:44,684 --> 01:00:45,990 I want it. 1338 01:00:46,033 --> 01:00:47,339 Yeah, I do too. 1339 01:00:49,210 --> 01:00:50,734 [ screams ] 1340 01:00:50,777 --> 01:00:53,084 [ gasping ] 1341 01:00:55,739 --> 01:00:57,523 [ screams ] 1342 01:00:57,566 --> 01:00:59,830 [ gasping ] 1343 01:01:02,876 --> 01:01:03,921 Yes. 1344 01:01:03,964 --> 01:01:06,488 [ screams ] 1345 01:01:06,532 --> 01:01:07,794 Monica. 1346 01:01:07,838 --> 01:01:09,796 [ moaning ] 1347 01:01:09,840 --> 01:01:11,450 [ gasps ] 1348 01:01:11,493 --> 01:01:12,451 [ sighs ] 1349 01:01:12,494 --> 01:01:14,758 [ screaming ] 1350 01:01:21,590 --> 01:01:22,766 Oh, Tony! 1351 01:01:22,809 --> 01:01:23,897 Oh, I saw God. 1352 01:01:23,941 --> 01:01:26,204 Tony! [ screaming ] 1353 01:01:32,558 --> 01:01:33,994 Yeah! 1354 01:01:34,038 --> 01:01:37,215 The New Jersey Casanova had her where he wanted her. 1355 01:01:37,258 --> 01:01:39,783 - Yeah. - [ screaming ] 1356 01:01:39,826 --> 01:01:42,220 Her shrieks 1357 01:01:42,263 --> 01:01:44,048 filled the room in orgasmic delight. 1358 01:01:44,091 --> 01:01:46,790 [ moaning ] Oh, yes. 1359 01:01:46,833 --> 01:01:49,618 He sighed. She bellowed. 1360 01:01:49,662 --> 01:01:52,447 They sighed and bellowed five times. 1361 01:01:52,491 --> 01:01:53,927 Oh! Oh! 1362 01:01:53,971 --> 01:01:56,103 And any mortal man might have called it a day, 1363 01:01:56,147 --> 01:01:58,802 but not the New Jersey Casanova. 1364 01:01:58,845 --> 01:02:01,761 [ screaming ] 1365 01:02:01,805 --> 01:02:04,764 [ phone rings ] 1366 01:02:04,808 --> 01:02:05,983 - Hello. - [ screaming ] 1367 01:02:06,026 --> 01:02:07,811 Tony, this is your mother. 1368 01:02:07,854 --> 01:02:09,726 Do you remember me? 1369 01:02:09,769 --> 01:02:11,249 I'm the one who brought you into this world. 1370 01:02:11,292 --> 01:02:13,077 Yeah, hi, Ma. What do you want? 1371 01:02:13,120 --> 01:02:14,818 What do I want? 1372 01:02:14,861 --> 01:02:16,210 I want my son's love. 1373 01:02:16,254 --> 01:02:17,821 You never call me anymore. 1374 01:02:17,864 --> 01:02:19,736 Ma, I just called you this morning. 1375 01:02:19,779 --> 01:02:22,477 - Tony, that was a long time ago. - [ screaming ] 1376 01:02:22,521 --> 01:02:25,045 Tony, what is that shrieking? 1377 01:02:25,089 --> 01:02:27,091 It's a wild animal show 1378 01:02:27,134 --> 01:02:29,397 about the mating habits of the female bingo. 1379 01:02:29,441 --> 01:02:31,051 Bingo? 1380 01:02:31,095 --> 01:02:33,227 Tony, I'm worried about you. 1381 01:02:33,271 --> 01:02:35,447 You're spending too much time by yourself. 1382 01:02:35,490 --> 01:02:37,405 - Yeah, you're right, Ma. - I am? 1383 01:02:37,449 --> 01:02:39,843 What channel is that animal show on? 1384 01:02:39,886 --> 01:02:41,670 It's a cassette, Ma. 1385 01:02:41,714 --> 01:02:43,020 I'll loan it to you sometime. 1386 01:02:43,063 --> 01:02:44,673 Listen, I got to go. 1387 01:02:44,717 --> 01:02:46,937 I'll call you later, all right? Bye. 1388 01:02:46,980 --> 01:02:48,547 [ screaming ] 1389 01:02:48,590 --> 01:02:49,548 Look at her. 1390 01:02:49,591 --> 01:02:51,028 [ screaming ] 1391 01:02:51,071 --> 01:02:52,986 Book: Always be considerate 1392 01:02:53,030 --> 01:02:55,423 of your sexual partner. 1393 01:02:55,467 --> 01:02:57,861 It's your duty to help her reach an orgasm too. 1394 01:02:57,904 --> 01:02:59,819 What about me, huh? 1395 01:02:59,863 --> 01:03:02,648 Oh, Tony. 1396 01:03:02,691 --> 01:03:03,344 Oh! 1397 01:03:15,879 --> 01:03:17,445 See you later, Mom. 1398 01:03:17,489 --> 01:03:18,838 Christina, don't be late for dinner. 1399 01:03:18,882 --> 01:03:20,579 I won't, Mom. 1400 01:03:20,622 --> 01:03:22,886 - Hi. - Hi, hon. 1401 01:03:22,929 --> 01:03:24,278 Oh, Joe, turn that. 1402 01:03:24,322 --> 01:03:25,845 Maggie Mason's my favorite. 1403 01:03:25,889 --> 01:03:27,107 Hmm. 1404 01:03:27,151 --> 01:03:28,587 My Hollywood spy reports 1405 01:03:28,630 --> 01:03:30,502 that Mark Eubell, famous low-budget 1406 01:03:30,545 --> 01:03:33,461 sexploitation film producer, is the winner 1407 01:03:33,505 --> 01:03:36,377 in the "Playhouse" New Jersey Casanova bidding war. 1408 01:03:36,421 --> 01:03:38,162 It is said he is about to ink 1409 01:03:38,205 --> 01:03:40,468 a big deal with author Donald Cromronic 1410 01:03:40,512 --> 01:03:42,514 to bring the now infamous Casanova stories 1411 01:03:42,557 --> 01:03:44,255 to the big screen. 1412 01:03:44,298 --> 01:03:46,605 Asked if the movie will carry an X, 1413 01:03:46,648 --> 01:03:49,608 Mr. Eubell said, "They'll have to redefine X 1414 01:03:49,651 --> 01:03:51,218 when I'm through." 1415 01:03:51,262 --> 01:03:52,306 Who wants to watch trash like that? 1416 01:03:55,048 --> 01:03:56,354 [ mouths words ] 1417 01:04:07,582 --> 01:04:09,062 So what's for dinner? 1418 01:04:09,106 --> 01:04:10,020 Food. 1419 01:04:17,418 --> 01:04:19,246 Can I help you? 1420 01:04:19,290 --> 01:04:21,292 I think you're the one that needs the help. 1421 01:04:21,335 --> 01:04:23,903 Yeah, I guess I do. [ chuckles ] 1422 01:04:23,947 --> 01:04:26,166 Anyway, I'm quite capable 1423 01:04:26,210 --> 01:04:27,515 of handling it myself. Thank you very much. 1424 01:04:29,735 --> 01:04:30,910 I only meant to... 1425 01:04:32,912 --> 01:04:34,653 ♪ Won't you stay? 1426 01:04:34,696 --> 01:04:36,916 Oh, Tony, I'm sorry if any champagne 1427 01:04:36,960 --> 01:04:38,570 splashed you at the restaurant. 1428 01:04:38,613 --> 01:04:40,615 I love you so. I'll do anything for you. 1429 01:04:40,659 --> 01:04:42,226 I dream of cooking your meals, 1430 01:04:42,269 --> 01:04:43,618 of washing your clothes, 1431 01:04:43,662 --> 01:04:45,098 of carrying your groceries, 1432 01:04:45,142 --> 01:04:47,013 of darning your socks. 1433 01:04:47,057 --> 01:04:50,016 I don't have holes in my socks, 1434 01:04:50,060 --> 01:04:51,931 and I'm quite capable 1435 01:04:51,975 --> 01:04:53,715 of handling the rest myself, thank you. 1436 01:04:53,759 --> 01:04:55,152 Oh, Tony, just one kiss. 1437 01:04:55,195 --> 01:04:57,719 Tony, Tony, please. 1438 01:04:57,763 --> 01:04:59,243 Very well, if you insist. 1439 01:05:01,941 --> 01:05:04,465 [ gasping ] 1440 01:05:08,861 --> 01:05:10,384 [ phone rings ] 1441 01:05:10,428 --> 01:05:12,386 You have reached the residence 1442 01:05:12,430 --> 01:05:13,648 of Anthony Cannelloni. 1443 01:05:13,692 --> 01:05:15,824 All lines are busy at the moment. 1444 01:05:15,868 --> 01:05:17,870 Please leave your message after the signal. 1445 01:05:17,914 --> 01:05:20,133 I love ya. 1446 01:05:20,177 --> 01:05:22,092 Hello. Hello. 1447 01:05:22,135 --> 01:05:23,789 Woman: Hi, Anthony. 1448 01:05:23,832 --> 01:05:25,573 Remember me? 1449 01:05:25,617 --> 01:05:27,836 Yeah. How you doing? 1450 01:05:27,880 --> 01:05:29,795 Oh, fine. 1451 01:05:29,838 --> 01:05:31,405 A little lonely. 1452 01:05:31,449 --> 01:05:33,016 Wouldn't it be lovely 1453 01:05:33,059 --> 01:05:35,235 to take a long walk on the beach tonight? 1454 01:05:35,279 --> 01:05:36,758 Sure. 1455 01:05:36,802 --> 01:05:38,935 There'll be a full moon. 1456 01:05:38,978 --> 01:05:41,198 I could bring a bottle of wine. 1457 01:05:41,241 --> 01:05:43,069 Chilled white wine. 1458 01:05:43,113 --> 01:05:45,854 Oh, and our toes curling in the sand. 1459 01:05:45,898 --> 01:05:47,987 Yeah, that would be great. 1460 01:05:48,031 --> 01:05:50,468 I could bring a blanket too. 1461 01:05:50,511 --> 01:05:52,861 Oh, we don't need a blanket. 1462 01:05:52,905 --> 01:05:55,603 We'll have the waves to caress our naked bodies. 1463 01:05:55,647 --> 01:05:57,301 Oh, yeah. 1464 01:05:57,344 --> 01:05:59,390 I'd like that a lot. 1465 01:05:59,433 --> 01:06:01,435 Thank you, Anthony. 1466 01:06:01,479 --> 01:06:04,134 I feel much better now. 1467 01:06:04,177 --> 01:06:05,657 Have a nice evening. 1468 01:06:05,700 --> 01:06:07,267 - [ clicks ] - Oh, hey. 1469 01:06:07,311 --> 01:06:09,356 - Oh, don't hang up. - [ dial tone ] 1470 01:06:09,400 --> 01:06:10,705 [ groans ] Damn. 1471 01:06:26,156 --> 01:06:27,896 [ whistles a tune ] 1472 01:06:29,420 --> 01:06:31,030 The only thing I like 1473 01:06:31,074 --> 01:06:32,640 about your father working late 1474 01:06:32,684 --> 01:06:35,208 is the fact that I can have the TV set on during dinner. 1475 01:06:35,252 --> 01:06:36,601 But, Ma, he never works late. 1476 01:06:36,644 --> 01:06:38,342 So I'll enjoy it this once. 1477 01:06:38,385 --> 01:06:40,518 He said something about an out-of-town customer 1478 01:06:40,561 --> 01:06:42,259 or something-- 1479 01:06:42,302 --> 01:06:44,261 oh! 1480 01:06:44,304 --> 01:06:46,480 Hey, hey, Ma, that's my super. 1481 01:06:46,524 --> 01:06:47,873 Host: Mr. Cromronic-- 1482 01:06:47,916 --> 01:06:49,483 may I call you Donald? 1483 01:06:49,527 --> 01:06:50,876 - Oh, yeah, sure. - [ laughs ] 1484 01:06:50,919 --> 01:06:52,660 Tell us, Donald, are you 1485 01:06:52,704 --> 01:06:54,358 and the New Jersey Casanova one and the same? 1486 01:06:54,401 --> 01:06:57,143 - [ laughs ] Come on. - [ laughs ] 1487 01:06:57,187 --> 01:06:58,536 Come on, Donald. Everyone's dying to know 1488 01:06:58,579 --> 01:07:00,059 if your now famous character 1489 01:07:00,103 --> 01:07:02,105 is fact or fiction. 1490 01:07:02,148 --> 01:07:03,280 Well, I'll never tell. 1491 01:07:03,323 --> 01:07:04,411 - Who cares? - [ laughs ] 1492 01:07:04,455 --> 01:07:06,065 Ma, the guy's a celebrity! 1493 01:07:06,109 --> 01:07:07,023 [ phone rings ] 1494 01:07:07,066 --> 01:07:08,589 I'll get it. 1495 01:07:10,069 --> 01:07:11,244 Hello. 1496 01:07:11,288 --> 01:07:13,290 Tony? Hi. It's Christina. 1497 01:07:13,333 --> 01:07:15,335 Yeah, could you do me a favor and tell Mom 1498 01:07:15,379 --> 01:07:17,163 I'm not going to be home for dinner tonight? 1499 01:07:17,207 --> 01:07:20,166 Yeah, I'm going out with Ralph. 1500 01:07:20,210 --> 01:07:21,515 Okay, thanks a lot, big brother. 1501 01:07:23,691 --> 01:07:25,911 Coast is clear. Come on. 1502 01:07:32,613 --> 01:07:35,051 Oh, Jesus. Drive on! 1503 01:07:37,705 --> 01:07:38,967 [ woman vocalizing ] 1504 01:07:39,011 --> 01:07:40,752 Now what's the matter? 1505 01:07:40,795 --> 01:07:42,754 It's my daughter and that schmuck Ralph. 1506 01:07:42,797 --> 01:07:45,496 - So? - So they're headed to the apartment. 1507 01:07:45,539 --> 01:07:47,063 Of all the nerve. 1508 01:07:47,106 --> 01:07:48,803 Asking me out 1509 01:07:48,847 --> 01:07:50,892 when I'm not even getting paid. 1510 01:07:50,936 --> 01:07:53,634 I canceled my nail appointment for this? 1511 01:07:53,678 --> 01:07:55,549 Take me home, please, 1512 01:07:55,593 --> 01:07:57,290 the same address we just came from. 1513 01:07:58,596 --> 01:08:00,902 [ vocalizing continues ] 1514 01:08:05,037 --> 01:08:06,691 Who is this? 1515 01:08:06,734 --> 01:08:09,085 Who cares? I need new characters anyway. 1516 01:08:09,128 --> 01:08:10,303 [ spits ] 1517 01:08:10,347 --> 01:08:12,262 [ squeals, laughs ] 1518 01:08:19,921 --> 01:08:21,575 [ tone sounds ] 1519 01:08:21,619 --> 01:08:23,186 Man: Mr. Smith, 1520 01:08:23,229 --> 01:08:25,666 this is Le Sex Shoppe. 1521 01:08:25,710 --> 01:08:28,191 Your order is ready to pick up now. 1522 01:08:28,234 --> 01:08:30,976 - [ beep ] - Hi. This is Sherry. 1523 01:08:31,019 --> 01:08:33,239 The only time I can make it this month 1524 01:08:33,283 --> 01:08:34,893 is 9:00 tonight. 1525 01:08:34,936 --> 01:08:37,243 I'll see you then. Bye. 1526 01:08:37,287 --> 01:08:39,376 Damn. Ralph, it's 8:30. 1527 01:08:39,419 --> 01:08:41,029 We got to get out of here. 1528 01:08:41,073 --> 01:08:42,814 Tony's going to be back any minute. Come on. 1529 01:08:42,857 --> 01:08:44,685 - But, Christina-- - Let's go, Ralph. Come on. 1530 01:08:46,818 --> 01:08:48,385 Sorry, Ma. Something's come up. 1531 01:08:48,428 --> 01:08:50,038 I'll call you tomorrow. 1532 01:08:50,082 --> 01:08:51,910 Hah. Call me tomorrow. That'll be the day. 1533 01:08:51,953 --> 01:08:53,912 Please leave your message after the signal. 1534 01:08:53,955 --> 01:08:55,479 - I love ya. - [ beep ] 1535 01:08:55,522 --> 01:08:57,307 This is Sherry again. 1536 01:08:57,350 --> 01:09:00,832 On second thought, drop dead. 1537 01:09:00,875 --> 01:09:03,835 Book: Don't feel guilty about taking a day off. 1538 01:09:03,878 --> 01:09:06,359 Singles bars at night are a zoo, 1539 01:09:06,403 --> 01:09:08,187 too much competition. 1540 01:09:08,231 --> 01:09:10,885 In the daytime, you'll have your pick of the litter. 1541 01:09:10,929 --> 01:09:13,018 This isn't the time for beating around the bush. 1542 01:09:13,061 --> 01:09:15,281 Use that direct approach. 1543 01:09:15,325 --> 01:09:17,718 Show 'em what you're made of. 1544 01:09:17,762 --> 01:09:20,112 Hi. I'm Tony. 1545 01:09:20,156 --> 01:09:22,114 I was admiring you from afar, 1546 01:09:22,158 --> 01:09:23,724 and I was wondering if... 1547 01:09:23,768 --> 01:09:26,074 maybe you might like to come over to my apartment 1548 01:09:26,118 --> 01:09:27,424 for a little romantic rendezvous. 1549 01:09:27,467 --> 01:09:29,469 Bug off, creep. 1550 01:09:29,513 --> 01:09:31,950 Yeah, right. 1551 01:09:41,568 --> 01:09:44,528 Are you sure no one's going to be here this time? 1552 01:09:44,571 --> 01:09:46,704 Yeah! Tony's at work, and Christina's at school. 1553 01:09:49,620 --> 01:09:51,926 Well, this is nicer than a hotel, Joe. 1554 01:09:51,970 --> 01:09:53,493 Yeah. 1555 01:09:53,537 --> 01:09:55,843 And there's the bed. 1556 01:09:55,887 --> 01:09:57,845 - Yeah, the bed. - [ laughs ] 1557 01:09:57,889 --> 01:09:59,717 [ laughs ] 1558 01:10:04,417 --> 01:10:06,463 Book: If the direct approach doesn't work, 1559 01:10:06,506 --> 01:10:08,813 try the hurt and innocent role. 1560 01:10:08,856 --> 01:10:11,685 Many women love to play mother. 1561 01:10:21,913 --> 01:10:24,220 [ crying ] 1562 01:10:30,791 --> 01:10:32,793 Excuse me. 1563 01:10:32,837 --> 01:10:34,186 Do you have a handkerchief? 1564 01:10:34,230 --> 01:10:36,232 Sure. 1565 01:10:37,885 --> 01:10:39,452 What's the matter? 1566 01:10:39,496 --> 01:10:40,801 Did somebody die or something? 1567 01:10:42,760 --> 01:10:43,804 No, it's worse than that. 1568 01:10:46,154 --> 01:10:47,808 Nobody loves me. 1569 01:10:47,852 --> 01:10:49,506 Oh, don't say that. 1570 01:10:49,549 --> 01:10:52,291 There's got to be somebody in this world who loves you. 1571 01:10:52,335 --> 01:10:54,728 Nobody. 1572 01:10:54,772 --> 01:10:57,992 Oh, you poor baby. 1573 01:10:58,036 --> 01:11:01,169 Why don't you buy mama a piña colada 1574 01:11:01,213 --> 01:11:03,302 and tell her all about it? 1575 01:11:03,346 --> 01:11:05,130 All right. 1576 01:11:05,173 --> 01:11:07,828 Bartender, two piñas. 1577 01:11:09,221 --> 01:11:10,614 [ laughs ] 1578 01:11:10,657 --> 01:11:12,006 [ door opens ] 1579 01:11:12,050 --> 01:11:13,791 You said he was going to be busy all night. 1580 01:11:13,834 --> 01:11:15,183 Shh. Quiet. Quiet. 1581 01:11:15,227 --> 01:11:16,794 Come on. 1582 01:11:16,837 --> 01:11:18,839 Here you go. Here's that. 1583 01:11:18,883 --> 01:11:21,320 No. Go there. 1584 01:11:21,364 --> 01:11:23,017 Shh. Shh, shh. 1585 01:11:26,499 --> 01:11:27,544 [ giggles ] 1586 01:11:28,849 --> 01:11:30,938 Whoo! [ laughs ] 1587 01:11:32,157 --> 01:11:33,724 Mm. Mm. 1588 01:11:33,767 --> 01:11:35,378 Ralph, a Murphy bed. 1589 01:11:35,421 --> 01:11:37,075 Murphy who? 1590 01:11:37,118 --> 01:11:38,642 Never mind, Ralph. 1591 01:11:38,685 --> 01:11:41,645 Come on. Come on. 1592 01:11:41,688 --> 01:11:43,995 Here. 1593 01:11:44,038 --> 01:11:46,519 Ooh. [ laughs ] 1594 01:11:46,563 --> 01:11:48,391 Oh, Ralph. 1595 01:11:48,434 --> 01:11:51,002 Alone at last, privacy. 1596 01:11:52,569 --> 01:11:54,614 [ mouths word ] 1597 01:11:54,658 --> 01:11:56,224 So I get off work early, 1598 01:11:56,268 --> 01:11:58,836 buy her a dozen red roses, 1599 01:11:58,879 --> 01:12:00,620 her favorite perfume, 1600 01:12:00,664 --> 01:12:02,535 and a box of chocolate-covered cherries, 1601 01:12:02,579 --> 01:12:03,928 and she was-- [ sobbing ] 1602 01:12:03,971 --> 01:12:05,712 Oh, go on, sugar. 1603 01:12:05,756 --> 01:12:08,324 Get it all out. 1604 01:12:08,367 --> 01:12:10,326 I come home to our little love nest 1605 01:12:10,369 --> 01:12:11,936 to surprise her, 1606 01:12:11,979 --> 01:12:14,852 and she was there-- [ sobbing ] 1607 01:12:14,895 --> 01:12:18,116 Go on. Go on. 1608 01:12:18,159 --> 01:12:20,858 She was showing off her ankle bracelets 1609 01:12:20,901 --> 01:12:23,208 to two sailors. [ sobbing ] 1610 01:12:23,251 --> 01:12:25,384 Oh, poor baby. 1611 01:12:25,428 --> 01:12:26,820 I know just what you need. 1612 01:12:26,864 --> 01:12:28,387 You need a woman to take you home 1613 01:12:28,431 --> 01:12:30,520 and comfort you. 1614 01:12:30,563 --> 01:12:32,783 - Yeah, now. - Oh, no, I can't. 1615 01:12:32,826 --> 01:12:34,393 I'm here with my girlfriend. 1616 01:12:34,437 --> 01:12:37,396 Unless you don't mind her joining us. 1617 01:12:37,440 --> 01:12:38,876 You mean a threesome? 1618 01:12:38,919 --> 01:12:41,879 No, a ménage à trois. 1619 01:12:41,922 --> 01:12:43,881 Oh, all right. Where is she? 1620 01:12:45,273 --> 01:12:46,971 Sheila. Sheila. 1621 01:12:47,014 --> 01:12:48,320 Come here. 1622 01:12:50,627 --> 01:12:52,542 [ woman vocalizing ] 1623 01:12:54,500 --> 01:12:55,806 Let's go. 1624 01:13:00,724 --> 01:13:02,900 Oh, Ralph, those pecs. 1625 01:13:02,943 --> 01:13:04,989 Christina: You're not only sexy, but you got talent. 1626 01:13:07,557 --> 01:13:09,167 [ door opens ] 1627 01:13:09,210 --> 01:13:11,430 Oh, my God. Ralph, grab our clothes. 1628 01:13:11,474 --> 01:13:13,389 Here. No. 1629 01:13:15,478 --> 01:13:17,697 No. Come on. 1630 01:13:17,741 --> 01:13:18,655 Go. 1631 01:13:21,135 --> 01:13:23,181 Hmm, not bad, Sheila. 1632 01:13:23,224 --> 01:13:25,531 Think it'll do, Sheila? 1633 01:13:25,575 --> 01:13:26,924 It'll do fine. 1634 01:13:26,967 --> 01:13:28,273 Yeah? Yeah, you like it? 1635 01:13:36,107 --> 01:13:37,717 Tony: Ooh, check this out. 1636 01:13:37,761 --> 01:13:39,719 This is my great bar. 1637 01:13:39,763 --> 01:13:41,112 - I got everything. - Great. 1638 01:13:41,155 --> 01:13:42,722 Great. I didn't miss a thing. 1639 01:13:42,766 --> 01:13:44,811 All right, we got time for that later. 1640 01:13:44,855 --> 01:13:46,204 - Let's get some... - Okay. 1641 01:13:46,247 --> 01:13:47,553 Look at this. Look at this. 1642 01:13:47,597 --> 01:13:49,207 Check this out. 1643 01:13:49,250 --> 01:13:50,643 This is my stereo system. 1644 01:13:50,687 --> 01:13:52,515 I put it in myself. See? 1645 01:13:52,558 --> 01:13:54,299 Got a little accent here. You like that? 1646 01:13:54,342 --> 01:13:55,387 Yes, great. 1647 01:13:55,431 --> 01:13:57,911 [ typing ] 1648 01:13:57,955 --> 01:13:59,609 [ phones ringing ] 1649 01:13:59,652 --> 01:14:01,785 Is Tony Cannelloni about? 1650 01:14:01,828 --> 01:14:03,961 No. He called in sick today. 1651 01:14:04,004 --> 01:14:06,964 Sick? Can I use your phone? 1652 01:14:07,007 --> 01:14:08,922 Use the one on Tony's desk. 1653 01:14:19,019 --> 01:14:20,456 - [ phone rings ] - I'll get it. 1654 01:14:20,499 --> 01:14:23,328 We don't want any disturbances, Tony, darling. 1655 01:14:23,371 --> 01:14:25,504 Hit it, Sheila. 1656 01:14:25,548 --> 01:14:26,853 Oh, my God. 1657 01:14:26,897 --> 01:14:28,899 Oh, my God. 1658 01:14:28,942 --> 01:14:30,509 Something wrong? 1659 01:14:30,553 --> 01:14:31,902 It was ringing nicely, 1660 01:14:31,945 --> 01:14:33,643 and then-- I don't know. 1661 01:14:33,686 --> 01:14:35,209 Thank you for letting me use the phone. 1662 01:14:35,253 --> 01:14:36,646 Sure. 1663 01:14:36,689 --> 01:14:39,518 [ chuckles ] I think there's been some mistake. 1664 01:14:39,562 --> 01:14:41,651 There's no mistake. 1665 01:14:41,694 --> 01:14:42,869 Uh... 1666 01:14:42,913 --> 01:14:44,523 hey, how 'bout a drink? Yeah. 1667 01:14:44,567 --> 01:14:45,611 [ laughs ] 1668 01:14:45,655 --> 01:14:48,135 Oh, my God. 1669 01:14:48,179 --> 01:14:50,398 This is positively kinky. 1670 01:14:52,618 --> 01:14:54,533 Taxi! Taxi! 1671 01:14:54,577 --> 01:14:56,883 Isn't he cute? 1672 01:14:56,927 --> 01:14:59,538 I love guys that wear bracelets. 1673 01:14:59,582 --> 01:15:01,932 M-my money's in my wallet. 1674 01:15:01,975 --> 01:15:03,542 It's in my back pocket. 1675 01:15:03,586 --> 01:15:05,979 It's not your money we're interested in. 1676 01:15:06,023 --> 01:15:06,980 It's not? 1677 01:15:07,024 --> 01:15:08,329 We're interested in you. 1678 01:15:08,373 --> 01:15:09,722 Are you ready, Sheila? 1679 01:15:09,766 --> 01:15:11,332 Yeah. 1680 01:15:11,376 --> 01:15:14,335 One, two, three. 1681 01:15:14,379 --> 01:15:16,642 [ music playing ] 1682 01:15:23,954 --> 01:15:25,259 I want to watch. 1683 01:15:33,267 --> 01:15:35,792 Oh, God, this is the best stuff yet. 1684 01:15:35,835 --> 01:15:39,056 Ah, Hollywood, look out. 1685 01:15:39,099 --> 01:15:40,536 Here comes Donald Cromronic. 1686 01:15:50,067 --> 01:15:51,590 [ shudders ] 1687 01:16:14,047 --> 01:16:16,223 Wild sex, wild situations, 1688 01:16:16,267 --> 01:16:18,182 wild girls, wild rice. 1689 01:16:18,225 --> 01:16:19,923 Everything is wild. 1690 01:16:19,966 --> 01:16:21,446 [ squeals ] 1691 01:16:21,489 --> 01:16:23,317 Let's get to work. 1692 01:16:23,361 --> 01:16:24,797 - Work on what? - You. 1693 01:16:24,841 --> 01:16:26,973 Take these off me. 1694 01:16:27,017 --> 01:16:28,627 I don't want to play your games anymore. 1695 01:16:28,671 --> 01:16:31,412 You mean you dragged us all the way out here to tease us, 1696 01:16:31,456 --> 01:16:32,936 and now you don't want to play anymore? 1697 01:16:32,979 --> 01:16:34,546 I wasn't teasing you. 1698 01:16:34,590 --> 01:16:36,679 Ooh. That makes me mad. 1699 01:16:36,722 --> 01:16:38,550 Watch this, Sheila. 1700 01:16:38,594 --> 01:16:41,161 No. [ gasps ] No. 1701 01:16:41,205 --> 01:16:43,337 [ grunts ] 1702 01:16:43,381 --> 01:16:44,861 I hate when that happens. 1703 01:16:44,904 --> 01:16:46,689 Stop! Stop! 1704 01:16:48,212 --> 01:16:49,605 Stop. 1705 01:16:52,346 --> 01:16:54,784 Boy, big brother had me fooled. 1706 01:16:54,827 --> 01:16:57,613 The two ladies in question... 1707 01:16:57,656 --> 01:16:58,962 - [ typing ] - [ cloth rips ] 1708 01:16:59,005 --> 01:17:01,312 ...got a little out of hand. 1709 01:17:01,355 --> 01:17:03,836 So you're going to be uncooperative, huh? 1710 01:17:03,880 --> 01:17:06,099 [ clicks tongue ] 1711 01:17:06,143 --> 01:17:08,972 Oh. 1712 01:17:09,015 --> 01:17:10,669 All for you. 1713 01:17:10,713 --> 01:17:13,629 Why, thank you. 1714 01:17:13,672 --> 01:17:16,501 Oh, so beautiful. 1715 01:17:16,544 --> 01:17:18,808 Bombs away. 1716 01:17:18,851 --> 01:17:20,461 Oh, no. 1717 01:17:20,505 --> 01:17:21,767 Sheila. 1718 01:17:21,811 --> 01:17:23,508 Ooh! 1719 01:17:23,551 --> 01:17:26,511 Such beautiful statues I've never seen. 1720 01:17:26,554 --> 01:17:28,687 Aww. 1721 01:17:28,731 --> 01:17:30,036 Don't break that! 1722 01:17:30,080 --> 01:17:32,778 - One, two, - One, two, 1723 01:17:32,822 --> 01:17:34,606 - three! - three! 1724 01:17:36,303 --> 01:17:37,870 The cleaning bill. 1725 01:17:37,914 --> 01:17:39,611 My God, he's going to wreck that apartment, 1726 01:17:39,655 --> 01:17:41,961 but who cares? 1727 01:17:42,005 --> 01:17:45,704 After all, he's the New Jersey... 1728 01:17:45,748 --> 01:17:48,707 Casa... 1729 01:17:48,751 --> 01:17:50,056 nova. 1730 01:17:50,100 --> 01:17:51,884 Look at this. 1731 01:17:51,928 --> 01:17:53,538 That is beautiful. 1732 01:17:53,581 --> 01:17:55,018 What do you think? 1733 01:17:57,847 --> 01:17:59,457 After you. 1734 01:17:59,500 --> 01:18:00,763 Thank you. 1735 01:18:02,286 --> 01:18:03,548 Ooh. 1736 01:18:03,591 --> 01:18:05,376 Good job. 1737 01:18:08,596 --> 01:18:10,598 Darn, I forgot my key. 1738 01:18:10,642 --> 01:18:12,209 Tony: Cut it out! 1739 01:18:12,252 --> 01:18:13,993 - But I'm playing. - Super. 1740 01:18:14,037 --> 01:18:15,386 - [ object clatters ] - Oops! 1741 01:18:15,429 --> 01:18:16,604 Good job. 1742 01:18:16,648 --> 01:18:19,172 - Hello? - [ object shatters ] 1743 01:18:19,216 --> 01:18:21,914 Bombs away! 1744 01:18:21,958 --> 01:18:23,655 Ooh. [ laughs ] 1745 01:18:23,699 --> 01:18:24,656 Tony! 1746 01:18:24,700 --> 01:18:26,266 Who are you? 1747 01:18:26,310 --> 01:18:27,659 I'm his mother. 1748 01:18:27,703 --> 01:18:29,269 Oh, my God! 1749 01:18:29,313 --> 01:18:30,880 - Oh, no. It's just fine. - Oh! 1750 01:18:30,923 --> 01:18:32,272 There's really nothing really happening. 1751 01:18:32,316 --> 01:18:33,883 - Who are you calling? - The police. 1752 01:18:33,926 --> 01:18:35,493 [ laughs ] No, you're not. 1753 01:18:35,536 --> 01:18:37,756 [ laughs ] Oh, yes, I am. 1754 01:18:37,800 --> 01:18:38,714 [ bell rings ] 1755 01:18:38,757 --> 01:18:40,324 Hello, police! 1756 01:18:40,367 --> 01:18:41,978 What do you want me to do? 1757 01:18:42,021 --> 01:18:44,981 We want you to play gas station. 1758 01:18:45,024 --> 01:18:46,373 - Station? - Yeah. 1759 01:18:46,417 --> 01:18:48,593 We play the cars, and you play the pump. 1760 01:18:48,636 --> 01:18:51,596 Like, you know, you service us, 1761 01:18:51,639 --> 01:18:52,902 fill us up. 1762 01:18:52,945 --> 01:18:54,904 [ laughs ] You want leaded or unleaded? 1763 01:18:54,947 --> 01:18:55,905 [ siren blaring ] 1764 01:18:55,948 --> 01:18:57,515 He's a regular comedian, Sheil. 1765 01:18:57,558 --> 01:18:59,822 [ yelling ] 1766 01:19:01,780 --> 01:19:04,740 Tony, Mommy's coming! 1767 01:19:04,783 --> 01:19:06,785 Now put the nozzle in. 1768 01:19:06,829 --> 01:19:08,047 And pump. 1769 01:19:08,091 --> 01:19:10,571 - What are you doing?! - [ yells ] 1770 01:19:10,615 --> 01:19:12,312 - Give me that ax! - [ yelling ] 1771 01:19:12,356 --> 01:19:14,097 What, are you crazy? Stop it! 1772 01:19:14,140 --> 01:19:15,838 All right, buddy, freeze! 1773 01:19:15,881 --> 01:19:17,491 - Leave that lady alone. - No-- 1774 01:19:17,535 --> 01:19:18,841 - Hands up. Cuff him. - Wait a minute. 1775 01:19:18,884 --> 01:19:20,233 Wait a minute. You don't understand. 1776 01:19:20,277 --> 01:19:22,018 You don't under-- 1777 01:19:22,061 --> 01:19:23,497 - Oh, my baby. - Let me do it. 1778 01:19:23,541 --> 01:19:24,760 They're killing my baby. 1779 01:19:24,803 --> 01:19:26,196 - [ siren blaring ] - Wait a minute. 1780 01:19:26,239 --> 01:19:27,763 Wait a minute. You don't understand what's going-- 1781 01:19:27,806 --> 01:19:29,025 - my life! My story! - Handle this! 1782 01:19:29,068 --> 01:19:30,809 Let me just explain to you-- wait a minute. 1783 01:19:30,853 --> 01:19:31,810 Wait, Tony! 1784 01:19:31,854 --> 01:19:33,681 Hey, Rhonda, we got company. 1785 01:19:35,205 --> 01:19:36,510 [ yelps ] 1786 01:19:38,382 --> 01:19:39,383 Oh, my God. 1787 01:19:43,517 --> 01:19:45,563 Hands up. 1788 01:19:45,606 --> 01:19:47,521 Don't shoot. Don't shoot. 1789 01:19:47,565 --> 01:19:48,827 Dad! 1790 01:19:48,871 --> 01:19:49,959 Joseph? 1791 01:19:53,310 --> 01:19:54,877 Where the hell is the fire? 1792 01:19:54,920 --> 01:19:56,704 Fire?! Where's the fire?! 1793 01:19:56,748 --> 01:19:58,184 Christina! 1794 01:19:58,228 --> 01:19:59,446 Christina! 1795 01:19:59,490 --> 01:20:00,839 You can't! You can't! 1796 01:20:00,883 --> 01:20:02,145 They'll find out who he is! 1797 01:20:02,188 --> 01:20:03,537 I won't let you have him! 1798 01:20:03,581 --> 01:20:04,887 They'll never know who he is! 1799 01:20:04,930 --> 01:20:06,540 Who is he? 1800 01:20:06,584 --> 01:20:08,151 Who is he? 1801 01:20:08,194 --> 01:20:09,456 He's the New Jersey Casanova! 1802 01:20:12,633 --> 01:20:13,504 Me? 1803 01:20:14,722 --> 01:20:16,115 Oops. 1804 01:20:16,159 --> 01:20:19,292 The New Jersey Casanova? 1805 01:20:19,336 --> 01:20:21,207 - [ gasping ] - Whoa. Wait. Wait. 1806 01:20:21,251 --> 01:20:22,730 Ma! 1807 01:20:22,774 --> 01:20:25,037 [ music playing ] 1808 01:21:23,835 --> 01:21:25,663 If you've reached this last page 1809 01:21:25,706 --> 01:21:28,144 and still don't have sex appeal, 1810 01:21:28,187 --> 01:21:29,754 don't despair. 1811 01:21:29,797 --> 01:21:31,103 You still have several other options. 1812 01:21:31,147 --> 01:21:32,757 Like what? 1813 01:21:32,800 --> 01:21:34,759 Perhaps the priesthood is more to your calling, 1814 01:21:34,802 --> 01:21:36,456 or maybe you should visit 1815 01:21:36,500 --> 01:21:38,415 your friendly neighborhood gay bar. 1816 01:21:38,458 --> 01:21:39,851 Thanks a lot. 1817 01:21:43,594 --> 01:21:46,075 [ phone rings ] 1818 01:21:48,468 --> 01:21:50,035 You have reached the residence 1819 01:21:50,079 --> 01:21:51,428 of Anthony Cannelloni. 1820 01:21:51,471 --> 01:21:54,257 All lines are busy at the moment. 1821 01:21:54,300 --> 01:21:56,259 Woman: Tony? Tony, you there? 1822 01:21:58,957 --> 01:22:00,132 Hi. 1823 01:22:00,176 --> 01:22:02,004 You sound blue. 1824 01:22:02,047 --> 01:22:03,614 Try dark black. 1825 01:22:03,657 --> 01:22:05,224 That bad, huh? 1826 01:22:05,268 --> 01:22:07,966 Sounds like you could use some cheering up. 1827 01:22:08,010 --> 01:22:10,142 I don't think that's possible. 1828 01:22:10,186 --> 01:22:12,666 Well, maybe I could come over and-- 1829 01:22:12,710 --> 01:22:15,321 Look, why don't you just call someone else? 1830 01:22:15,365 --> 01:22:16,975 I'm just not in the mood 1831 01:22:17,019 --> 01:22:18,324 to be teased anymore. 1832 01:22:18,368 --> 01:22:20,631 I'm not teasing, Tony. 1833 01:22:20,674 --> 01:22:22,328 You're not? 1834 01:22:22,372 --> 01:22:24,548 Uh-uh. I'll be right over. 1835 01:22:24,591 --> 01:22:25,549 But-- 1836 01:22:25,592 --> 01:22:28,160 [ dial tone ] 1837 01:22:29,596 --> 01:22:31,642 Look at this place. 1838 01:22:31,685 --> 01:22:34,993 I'll never be able to get it fixed up in time. 1839 01:22:35,037 --> 01:22:36,560 Oh, what's the use? 1840 01:22:36,603 --> 01:22:37,909 She won't come anyway. 1841 01:22:39,737 --> 01:22:40,607 [ knock on door ] 1842 01:22:48,354 --> 01:22:51,009 ♪ Corinne, my love 1843 01:22:51,053 --> 01:22:52,880 Oh, Tony, please. 1844 01:22:52,924 --> 01:22:55,840 ♪ Corinne, my love... 1845 01:22:55,883 --> 01:22:58,016 I'm sorry. I was expecting somebody else. 1846 01:22:58,060 --> 01:23:00,018 Me. 1847 01:23:00,062 --> 01:23:02,760 You mean you've been the girl 1848 01:23:02,803 --> 01:23:04,109 on the phone all-- 1849 01:23:04,153 --> 01:23:05,589 Shh. 1850 01:23:05,632 --> 01:23:09,593 ♪ I'll be waiting 1851 01:23:09,636 --> 01:23:13,597 ♪ Right behind you 1852 01:23:13,640 --> 01:23:17,601 ♪ When I find you 1853 01:23:17,644 --> 01:23:20,473 ♪ Won't you stay? 1854 01:23:20,517 --> 01:23:23,476 Book: See? I told you so. 1855 01:23:23,520 --> 01:23:26,610 Patience. Patience. 1856 01:23:26,653 --> 01:23:28,525 Like I always say, 1857 01:23:28,568 --> 01:23:30,353 whenever I go--[ chokes ] 1858 01:23:30,396 --> 01:23:36,359 ♪ You prey on any type of friend ♪ 1859 01:23:36,402 --> 01:23:41,538 ♪ Could you fall for me once again? ♪ 1860 01:23:41,581 --> 01:23:48,327 ♪ I'd say the chance is one to 10 ♪ 1861 01:23:48,371 --> 01:23:53,071 ♪ Your kisses throw me now and then ♪ 1862 01:23:53,115 --> 01:23:59,425 ♪ You're closer than you've ever been ♪ 1863 01:23:59,469 --> 01:24:01,949 ♪ My head's in the clouds 1864 01:24:01,993 --> 01:24:05,127 ♪ I can't pretend 1865 01:24:05,170 --> 01:24:10,480 ♪ That fear of flying's here again ♪ 1866 01:24:10,523 --> 01:24:12,351 ♪ Don't you know 1867 01:24:12,395 --> 01:24:16,747 ♪ That you're flying, dear, once more? ♪ 1868 01:24:16,790 --> 01:24:20,790 ♪ Don't you know you got me through it once before? ♪